2005/2006.

My youngest was pretty little, but all 3 kids were and still are really in to music. I’m a huge Micheal Buble fan, and would play one of his earlier CDs non stop. There was a song on there that my daughter loved. She would make every one be quiet and would sing at the top of her lungs. If I tried to sing along she’d tell me to be quiet and would start over again. The boys got a kick out of at first, and then just got really irritated. After awhile they’d beg me not to play the CD.

At some point I lost the CD – couldn’t find it anywhere. For years I wondered where that CD disappeared to but couldn’t find it.

2015

I found the CD. I don’t know how, but I found the CD. I decided to pop it in the player so next time I wanted a change I could put it on in my car. I picked my daughter up for a pass, this time just running errands. Anything was better than sitting in the hospital, so I picked her up and off we went.

As usual, she bounced around from CD to CD until she came upon the one. She looked at me and said “no way! Remember this? How did you find it?” She switched to the song, and began to sing:

For you are not alone,
I’m always there with you,
And we’ll get lost together,
Till the light comes pouring through.
When you feel like you’re done,
And the darkness has won,
Babe you’re not lo-o-ost. ……

Instantly me eyes welled up with tears. I really tried not to cry. I choked a little and pretended to have something in my eye, but it was too late. The flood gates opened and I couldn’t stop. She was just singing the song, but I was really feeling it. The words rang so deep within me – “when the world comes crashing down……”. The world indeed seemed to be crashing down.

Of course, if you know me, I’m not not a very pretty crier. I don’t manage to keep a clear face and be all beautifully tragic like the movie stars do it. The one single tear streaming down a cheek. Nope, not me. I get red and blotchy. My nose goes purple and eyes beet red – not a great sight. My daughter looked at me and couldn’t understand why I was crying. Of course I said I was just over tired and happy to see her, waited out the song and put something upbeat on. There was no connect in her brain between the emotion and words of that song. Front brain vs. back brain – she didn’t get it.

I think a lot of us have frustration with our kids. We want them to be emotional, hurt, cry, shout for joy, get angry, but often they just don’t. I didn’t understand why until this week. Disconnected front and rear lobes. Makes perfect sense.

After I dropped her off and knew she was safe and sound, I got back in my car and turned the song back on again.

I can’t believe it’s over
I watched the whole thing fall apart
And I never saw the writing on the wall
If I only knew, the days were slipping past
That the good times never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter and the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned in to tears upon my face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it’s not too late.

I haven’t cried that hard many times, but I had to let it out, and that day I cried for hours. All the way home. All the rest of the night. And then to sleep.

Every time I see my daughter now, I make sure to let her know she’s not alone. The light will come back. She is not lost.

Be strong. Get help. Reach out.