If you would have asked me 9 months ago, or six months ago, or maybe even 3 months ago, I would not have been able to give you a confident answer about tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a very special day – my daughter’s birthday.  This is probably the most special birthday she’s ever had, with exception of the original one, and I don’t for even one second take it for granted.

My daughter has always been a major planner, and would start on the next birthday planning, mere hours after the current one had finished.  “Next year I’m going to do this, or that….”.  “Next year I’m going to invite one person, no nine people, no maybe my whole class…..”  Party planning has always been a passion of hers, and if it wasn’t her party she was planning, it was someone elses.

I remember when she was little.  I would be out working, would come home, and the living room would be all set up with a throne for me to sit on.  There would be little snacks, songs, maybe a little performance, and pictures together at the party she had planned for her and I.  When she was really little, there would be cookies or cheese and crackers on little dishes with tea.  As she grew up, I remember her trying to make cake with her brother, and coming home to some pretty unusual creations.  Whatever it was, there was always happiness, and always love, and always a party.

Last year was different, but she was still doing a little planning.  The stomach pains started in February.  I remember sitting in emerg in March, and her saying, “This is going to be gone by my birthday, right mom?”  “Of course it is.  This will be over before you know it.”  April came, and the pains were still there.  My fiance and I decided that perhaps we should do something a little extra special, and take her and 2 friends out of town on a shopping trip.  We’d go to a hotel for night, bring in Chinese, go out for breakfast in the morning and then spend the day shopping.  We booked everything, and headed out of town after work, pain killers and prescriptions in hand.  I had bought some pretty rainbow plates, napkins and cups for us to use at the hotel, and we made little goodie bags with some silly things for them to have fun with.  Nail polish, makeup, hair bands, and chocolate were among the items essential for a teenage birthday party. I was determined the party would be good enough to put the pain out of our minds, if not for good, at least for a few days.

We got to the hotel, settled in, and the girls were having fun.  Great.  Really, really great.  It was so nice to see her smiling and laughing, even though in the background I could see she was uncomfortable.  We headed down to the lounge for a bit to give the girls some space, but it wasn’t long before we felt we should probably head back.  Things went relatively well, but we knew she was having a tough time.  Regardless, we pushed forward and were determined to have a good time.

Fast forward one year.  When I think back to that weekend, it all seemed simple.  I never would have thought we would have been on this journey.  I can honestly say, there were many times over the last 9 months that I didn’t know if we would be celebrating tomorrow. I have been so scared, and so distraught at times, that I wasn’t sure if I would still have my girlie the next day, let alone on her next birthday.

Things are very different this year.  I have teenager that has, in many ways, lost her innocence and aged a great deal, and yet is emotionally naïve and fragile.  There has been no planning for this years birthday.  Although I have nagged for 3 months, I could not get her to plan anything.  We mulled many ideas around, but when it came down to it, I think we were both secretly just wanting to honor the fact that we made it.  Tomorrow she will bring cake pops and hot chocolate to her treatment program.  We’ll go out for a family dinner and she’ll spend time with the people she’s closest too.  I’m sure there will be many times of the day that I will be teary.  I wish I could say we could now put it all behind us, but I don’t know when that will happen.  There will be no friends, no movies,  and no sleepovers, and no pressure to entertain people with strength and energy that just isn’t there.

Tomorrow I will say a little prayer, be quiet and mindful of how much I treasure the fact that it came, and she’s still with me.

Tomorrow we will eat cake.