It’s a very quiet house this morning. Everyone is still asleep. As I lay here in bed, pondering the day, I try to find peace in all the different sounds. I hear the bunnies rustling in their cages after just being fed, and one of the birds is having their breakfast. The furnace clicks in briefly to warm the chilly air. I can hear light traffic on the highway, outside my bedroom window. I hear a siren, and say a quick prayer for wherever it is going. The furnace cycles off, and the house is very quiet once again, but the noise in my head is very loud.

I have a decision to make. The plan for the day was small – perhaps a visit with a friend, and maybe a movie if there’s anything good playing. Now I must chose whether or not to change a light hearted day by having a heavy conversation, and deal with the potential consequences.

Part of the difficulty with having conversations with people is not knowing the outcome. I can play the scenario through my head a hundred different ways, but not knowing the potential outcome can be paralyzing for me.

When I was selling real estate, I would have great closing success because of the dialogs I had running through my head. I would spend the entire preparation time running scenarios, practicing conversations, answering questions, and dealing with obstacles, all silently in my head. It was like practicing a play. By the time I got to the appointment, I was comfortable, confident, and knew pretty much exactly what would happen just by small indicators because I had already seen the whole show – in my head.

I’m a thinker. My mind runs non stop, all the time. “What would happen if…? What if I…? I should….? Should I…….? If I say this, than what would happen? And if I do that, then something else may happen. I could make a business out of that! Hmmmm, what if I …..?” This is how I work, and it can be very noisy, and very exhausting. If channeled properly, it can be very productive and exhilirating, but if not, it can be very destructive, holding me back from making any decision at all. Like I said before. I have a decision to make. On a regular day, in a regular situation, I could ask, ” How’s it going? Everything ok?” I’d get back an answer something like, “Yeah sure. Why?” “No reason – just checking.” Most kids would probably look up and say, “You’re wierd”, and let it go at that. Now, pose that question to a kid that suffers from suicidal thoughts, self harm, severe anxiety and half the time is suffering in an existential crisis. “How’s it going? Everything ok?” “Yeah mom. Everything is ok. Why?” “No reason, just checking in……….” “No really. Why are you asking me that?” Imagine that’s your scenario. How do you answer? ” Because your counselor broke confidence and told me stuff”, or, “I know you’ve been cutting again. Can you tell me why?” Or how about, ” because every day you tell me how great you’re doing with your words, and yet every day I get more scared that you’re a ticking time bomb with no display of how many seconds we have left till everything explodes.” The later one – definitely not appropriate, at least not if I want to stay out of hospital this weekend. The middle one, maybe. Strong but uncomfortable. The first? Probably not the best idea if I ever want her to say anything to anyone again. What do I ask, and how do I answer? That’s not even really the biggest part. The biggest question really, is can I believe her answer?