“Hello?”
“Ms. Johnsen?”
(Why is the principal calling?)
“You’re daughter is missing……we can’t find her…..”

I’m not sure…..actually I’m very sure…….those are the most frightening words you’ll ever hear in your life.

As the mental health team works on trying to get your child home, they start testing the waters (so to speak) and slowly start putting your child back in to normal situations to see how they will react. It starts with a pass for a few hours. You go to the mall, have ice cream, buy a new tshirt (over compensation for guilt can be expensive) and spend a few hours pretending it’s just another day out, trying to feel normal. After a few successful tries, a trip home, then overnight, then a school trial. Its terrifying. They prepare a safety plan – what will you do if things start unwinding? You prepare your own safety plan and start trying to remove obstacles in your home that might be harmful. It was her safety plan (and I warned the team) where things came unwound.

“How long has she been gone?”
“About 20 minutes we think. We’re not exactly sure”
“Have you searched the school?”
“We’re doing that now”

At that point all life ceases to exist and you become hyper focused really quickly. I cannot urge you enough – if this happens to you, stop for a brief moment, breathe deep and listen to your gut. You are no good out of control, and your instinct just might save a life. I’m not going to go through all the details just out of respect to my kids. That was the most traumatizing day of my life . Here’s what I did. 1. Called the hospital – warned them of the situation. 2. Called my son and started my own search party where we both agreed to look. 3. Call the RCMP and use the words mental health – they take that seriously unlike many others. 4. Jump in my car and go search myself.

How far can someone go in 20 minutes? The picture playing in my mind was very different than the actual situation, but it didn’t matter – I was terrified. You see, I don’t think most people set out to do something wrong. Don’t be mistaken, with this kind of illness people do wake up and say “today’s the last”, but often mistakes and bad choices unwind in to something that wasn’t meant to happen.
We began to search and our gut instincts were right, she had headed for the river. At one moment spotted, standing at the edge of the bridge, and then the next running from her brothers shouts. Thank goodness he got there fast. We both jumped out of our vehicles and started searching. “How did she disappear again so fast?” We both split up, frantically searching and calling her name. I went one way, he went the other. Within moments I saw RCMP everywhere. On the other side of the river cars started pulling up with regular people stepping out of their cars, lining the river looking – a local search and rescue effort. My son headed down the side of the hill to the river bank, cutting his arms and legs on the ice and rocks. (Of all the days to wear shorts!) At one point he was running and fell in to the icy bank, soaking himself, but I don’t think he even notices. A lady came walking by and asked what we’d lost. At that moment I stopped and turned. I’m sure I was as white as the snow and I quietly said, ” my daughter. I can’t find her and I don’t know what to do”. There were police officers everywhere, or at least that’s how it felt. I was standing in a field of snow, still in my work clothes and leather work shoes, looking down at the river. “Please God, don’t let me see her there”. I looked up at the sky and started to scream “Where do I look?!!!! Tell.me what to do!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!”

I have never shaken my fist at God before, but that day I did. If ever there was a time for the clouds to separate and Him to speak that would have been it. But he didn’t.

An RCMP approached me. “Does she have a red jacket?” “Red, no…I don’t think so” Speaking on his mic then looking at me” does she have colored hair?“ “Yes! Yes she does” “We have her” Thank God. Thank God. Where is she? Where is my son? Where is she? Thank God. The RCMP secured her in their vehicle. No fight, no running, nothing dramatic. They’re a good at this, you see, they understand the fear for the victim just as much as they understand the family’s anguish at the situation. Have you ever been at ACH and seen police officers there? This is why. It’s not safe at that point for you to just take your child home or drive them to the hospital. We can’t know the fear that runs through their minds at that moment, so as much as you want to throw your arms around your child and tell them how much you love them, you don’t get to. She was taken back to a safe environment. By herself. With the RCMP.

“We found her”

“Where was she?”

“Where we thought”

“She’s safe now”

“Yes, for now. She’s safe”

Unfortunately we can’t always be the super hero parents we want to be. I still wear my pretend cape but it feels pretty thin and shabby sometimes. Just because you are going through this doesn’t mean you have failed. You are fighting, helping steer a boat you can’t really control. When they’re babies you can hold them, pick them up, make everything right. When adolescence hits you just long for those snuggle up days again, but things change.

Read the safety plan. If you feel unsure about any of it, change it so you both agree. Call the police or RCMP. They are there to help you. I thought I would be grilled with accusations, but instead they asked me if I was ok, if they could help more, and gave me numbers of people to call if I needed to talk.

The events of that day were caused by a few simple decisions gone bad. Had I argued my point on the safety plan it might not have happened. What started as a simple effort to clear away anxiety could have ended up……..well, I’m not going to go there.  The water didn’t win that day.   She’s safe. We’re all safe . New safety plan. That time we went big. Hopefully soon it will be home.

Get help. Don’t be afraid. Reach out.