“Hello, Kerry?  This is your family counselor calling.  Is this a good time?”

“Hi.  Yes, I guess so.  I was just going on a break.  I have a few minutes”

“I was wondering if we could schedule a session together.  Something has come up that we’d like to talk about”.

“Ok. Anything I can answer now?”

“No. That’s not necessary……”

I can’t tell you how I hate it when conversations end that way.  Now I have to think about the impending news or discussion that will happen any time other than now.  I end up perseverating over something that probably isn’t even worth thinking about.  Is everything ok?  Am I missing something?  Has something happened?

I wait for the date to come, leave work and head for the counselors office.  We sit down, and they turn on white noise so no one on the outside of the room can hear us.  “We have found out that one of the layers of your daughters issues is your divorce.”.  Really?  How amazing.  I never would have thought.  “We asked your daughter if she knows the reason why you ended up divorced and she said she didn’t know.  We think it would be helpful if she knows”.

Silence.  Stunned silence.  While keeping a straight face, I thought to myself, “Hell no.  No way.  No way on God’s green earth. No stinking way am I saying anything to anybody.  It’s nobody’s business why, and what in the world could it matter now”.

I clear my throat.  “It’s complicated”

“All divorce is complicated – we understand that”

“No, it’s really complicated.  I don’t see what good it would do.  I don’t think burdening your kids with the past is any way to get more healthy in the future.  How can saying negative things be good for someone’s mental health?”

“All divorce is complicated.  Was it money?  Maybe you just didn’t get along?  We realize it could be uncomfortable to talk about, but perhaps we could facilitate the conversation, and be supportive to you?”

So where does the line fall between listening to health workers, or following your own instincts?  I’ll tell you where mine fell then, and still does now.  Nothing good can come of telling people you love, negative things about people they love.  It just doesn’t work.

I remember when I filed for my divorce.  I had to attend a “Parenting after Separation/Divorce” class that spanned 2 weekends if I remember correctly.  The room was packed full of bitter people, all fighting over this and that, full of resentment, regret and anger.  We talked, listened to lectures, and had lawyers and legal advisors speak to us and plead to be civil and keep things out of court.  The most impactful part of the course, was the movies we watched at the end with heart broken children talking about how they felt about the whole situation.  I watched kids torn apart by the things their parents did and said, and determined that moment that I would never speak of it.  I knew nothing good could come of it, and when the time came for the kids to know, if ever, it would be a long ways away from that date.

“All divorce is complicated.  If you were having trouble understanding, wouldn’t you want to know?”

Ok, fine,  You think it’s all that simple?  Really?  I proceeded to tell them a basic outlined tale of the accounts of the failure of my marriage.  The counselor sat in awe, asking questions, taking notes, and at the end of it all said, “I really don’t know what to say.  I’m going to have to think about this”.

“Think all you want”, I thought. ” I’m still not saying anything.“  I don’t want to re-live it, and I’m surely not going to make anyone else.

At the end of the meeting, I stood up and said, “I will not be saying anything at this time, and if I do, you’ll have to give me a pretty darn good reason to do so.  Even then, I just don’t see the point.  The reasons aren’t important anymore and won’t change a thing.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Sometimes my own judgment needs to be trusted”.

“We’re going to have to think about this and will get back to you on what we think”.

There are times when as parents, I think we have to listen to our own instincts, even though the professionals seem to think they know what’s best.  I don’t need opinions from other people as to what I should say.  I’ve kept my mouth shut for 10 years and no one has been harmed.  I don’t see the point in harming anyone now.  I don’t need sympathy or pity.  How on earth will details enrich the mental health of someone who is already struggling?

The whole conversation was very irritating to me, so I shared it with my fiancé, and he agreed – what good would come?  How would this not be hurtful?

“Hello, Kerry?  Do you have a moment?  I wanted to discuss our conversation the other day”:

“ I really don’t want to say anything”.

“We feel it would not be in your daughter’s best interest to say anything right now, and your x probably has his side, and it would be really negative, and might push her in the wrong direction………”

“I said I didn’t want to say anything and I’m not going to.  My mind hasn’t changed”

“We aren’t denying your story, and want you to feel validated”.  Great validation.  Wooowhoo.  Just what I wanted.  “We really feel it would not only be bad, but would be very detrimental to her progress, and could possibly be a huge set back.  We are very insistent, but would like to help you with some possible answers if the topic comes up again.”

Hmmmmm.  Seems to me that’s what I’ve been saying all along.  “I don’t want to talk about it with her or anyone.  It’s in the past and really doesn’t matter anymore.  I have no intention of bringing up the topic.  Why would I do that?”

I was right on this one, and have probably been right based on that burning feeling deep down inside on other occasions too.  Nothing good will ever come of saying bad things about anyone.  The person speaking slander will undoubtedly lose ground or respect, or both.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  The reason we say things is out of selfishness – usually hurting others to try and relieve our own hurt or guilt.

I knew I was right then and I still do now.  Sometimes you just have to draw the line.