September 23rd. I received a text from the mother of a friend of my daughters. She said to me “I hope you’re not mad, but maybe you should check your daughters phone – she sent a text you might want to see”.

I had found out a few weeks back when Robin Williams died that my daughter had been feeling sad. Sad. Sad. What exactly does that mean? Down? Frustrated? Depressed? Or just sad? I started watching her a little closer. I noticed as we went we shopping for school clothes that she had gone down 2 sizes. She had been struggling with stomach pain for about a year – but 2 sizes? 5’9”, and a size 2, or zero? Should I be alarmed? I also noticed the scale appearing pulled out more often. Food in the garbage. Should I be alarmed yet? We went to the pediatrician and had her checked out. Indeed she had lost about 20 lbs, and decided maybe time for some help. A referral was put in to the eating disorder clinic but the waiting list was 6 months, so I took things in to my own hands and tried to engage her – help her re feed her body. Things felt good. I thought we were on the right track.

On Sept 23rd our lives changed forever. The text that she sent said I’m so fat I want to die. I looked at her beautiful face and said I wanted to help but she withdrew and gave me a look I have never seen before. The horror in her eyes shocked me, right to my core. It was time for school and I had to leave for work, so we decided to talk later in the day.

Shortly after 9 am I received a phone call from an X family member. A text had been sent to her cousin. “This is my last day. I don’t know how I’m going to do this”. I dropped rhe phone and my first ought was “where is she?!” I frantically called the school and had her paged. God, please just let her be there. She had been found in the school bathroom weeping by 2 girls, who took her to the office. I ran to.my car and drove as if life depended on it, and it did.

When I arrived at the school I was ushered in to the principals office. What do I do? What’s going on? All I could think was call her Dr. Surprisingly I got through immediately and they said take her to the hospital. I couldn’t imagine why I would take her there. What would the hospital do? I went in to the room to see my girlie. She was frantically weeping, wrapped like a tangled weed around these two girls that were holding her so tight. They didn’t even know each other. I sat down with her while the others left the room, and wrapped my arms around her, trying to make sense of what was going on. She looked up at me, and while she wept took her fingers and gently placed them on the corners of my eyes, trying to stop my tears and said “please don’t cry mom”. I knew I  was to shaken to take her myself, so the school called an ambulance. Did you know officers come too? She was so scared, and I promised her I’d be at her side, but they put her in the ambulance and left without me. I felt like I had betrayed her – so helpless and no control over anything. I didn’t know that you can’t ride with your child in an ambulance. That made no sense to me at all.

I packed up my things, called my boys and other family and headed to the hospital. Reeling with a thousand different emotions, I headed in my little yellow bug to the Alberta Children’s Hospital. I had no idea what lay ahead, what they could do, and how this got so big so quickly. “I shouldn’t have asked her about the text”, I thought.

The point here is that I never knew there were support services available for mental health. I knew about kids hotline and stuff, but who realky uses that anyways?  I’d seen the app on my daughters phone but it wasn’t used. Mental.health is never talked about. I didn’t know that when your child is angry, feeling very sad or depressed, has eating problems, or generally feels unsafe that you take them to the children’s hospital. They have a huge team there that assesses safety risks and helps your child learn coping tools and strategies. I had no idea. This is free and is there for people who don’t know what to do. You have to sit in emergency like any other patient. You have to wait for assessments. You will be asked to leave the room if your child is 12 or older and they will he asked probing questions about life at home etc – that’s probably the hardest thing at first. Standing out in the hall, wondering if your 9 Pm dinner when it should have been 5, or running out of toilet paper is going to be seen as bad parenting. A million scenarios run through your head going through discussions with your child, analyzing if it could have been taken wrong. Feeling guilty is a huge part. There are 3 different facilities for kids in our city. One for young children and teens at the Children’s Hospital, and two for teens at the Foothills and at South Campus.

If you have any question at all, don’t just leave it. Don’t second guess yourself. Believe that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach – that’s nature saying something just isn’t right. Take your child to the hospital and get help. Mental health is so hard because it comes in so many different ways. Don’t be ashamed or scared. Get help.