The week after my daughter was admitted to hospital, I decided I needed to talk to someone, so I found a local counselor that I could go talk to.  I think the first session I spent about 2 hours there, crying my eyes out on her couch in dismay.  There were 2 main things she said to me that stuck in my head: 1.  Follow your mother instinct and do what your gut tells you to do, and 2. reach out for help to your friends and take care of yourself.  I took that first statement very seriously.  I felt I needed to be there at the hospital every for support  to show I was there for her, so I would go every single day after work, on days that I didn’t work, and would spend all my time there till 9 pm every night.  I’m pretty sure my boys forgot who I was during that time.  As the treatments strategies changed, I went whenever I was allowed and always made sure that I was flexible to be there.  Pretty much everything was taking second seat.

I went and saw the counselor again one, maybe two more times, and then just ran out of time each week to go anymore.  I was working, trying to spend time where I could with my boys, working more, and spending the rest of my time at the hospital.  I hardly saw my fiancé, and our plans pretty much got put on hold because of everything that was happening.  It was life was just humming along and then everything came to a screeching halt.  For each of those subsequent visits the counselor asked me what was I doing for myself, and who had I asked for help.  I told her I asked my dad to cook something for me (lasagna), and I asked a friend of mine who’s a foot care specialist for a free treatment because I couldn’t afford it.  That was huge.  2 big asks – I thought I was doing pretty good.  I didn’t think I deserved to be goaded in to more, after all, I’m a giver, not a taker.

I have always found great joy in giving, whether it be my time, an actual gift, a donation, or even just a smile.  Giving brings me great joy.  Receiving has never been easy for me.  My mom always told me that if you don’t receive graciously, you rob someone else of their blessing.  I’m super great at giving and telling people they’ll rob me of my blessing if they don’t receive (*chuckle*).  They usually roll their eyes at me, and then on we go.

Part of having a child at ADTP (Adolescent Day Treatment Program) is attending the mandatory Caregiver Support Group.  It’s a session only for the parents or caregivers intended on helping with the things we’re dealing with through this mental health journey.  Our first session was this week.  It was incredibly awkward, sitting in a room with a lot of parents, and my x, talking about our feelings, and learning about some of the things they teach our kids.   I sat and listened to the other parents speak, and if they’d done their homework from the week before.  What was their home work?  They were to reach out to a friend, and ask for help.  Almost every one of the parents in the room talked about how incredibly hard it was to do, and about half of the parents didn’t do it at all.  The new parents had to share a little, and speak about what help we’ve asked for along the way.  Not one of us had much to share.

I have received help along the way.  Two friends sent me a small sum of money, allowing me to pay for a parking pass, and also to pay for a new sticker for my license plate so I could continue to drive.  That $75 was a gift out of the blue that I was incredibly humbled to accept.  Someone at Christmas anonymously bought me a new stove after they found out I hadn’t had one since May of last  year.  I had spent so much money on medication, treatments, and everything else that I couldn’t afford a new one.  I cried so hard I was speechless.  An anonymous family heard that we were struggling and bought some gifts for my kids and delivered a turkey, also at Christmas.  Little did they know I hadn’t bought a single gift – I had no funds to do so.  I still don’t know who those people were – and was tremendously blessed by them.

The question was still looming.  Who, have you actually asked for help?  Any kind of help.  A walk, a meal, someone to watch the kids while you take a break (not applicable in my case), a massage, coffee, parking passes, lunch, help around the house.. anything.  Who have you actually asked – and mom doesn’t count?  I couldn’t answer.  I don’t ask for help – just really not good at it.  It makes me feel weak, needy and actually makes me feel horribly guilty.  Plus, then I have to talk, and explain, and I’m just far too tired to do either.  I’ve been told so many times by people in my life, that if I need any help, just ask – and yet I truly wouldn’t really even know what to ask for.  I’m a strong adult.  God gave me hands, feet, a brain – I should be able to do this.  There are people far worse off than I that need help far more than I, and I should probably be helping them.

At the end of the group, we were given home work.  First, for the newbies – ask for help with something.  Secondly, chose a self care activity.  The second is easy.  I just so happen to have booked the next 10 days off for vacation (my boss made me but it still counts). I ordered a massage gift certificate with my airmiles, and I plan to take it.  (There’s about 100 things on the list we can choose from).  I am going to go to a movie – at some point.  I’m going to bake something – and not burn it. So there – that’s 4 things  – and all I have to do is complete them.  My boss forbid me to walk through the doors of my store over the next 10 days – so that shouldn’t be hard.  All I have to do is call on the certificate – should be easy.  I have a free movie ticket I’ve been saving – piece of cake!  Baking – that shouldn’t be too hard – I have 3 bananas turning black on my counter – just got to do it.

That brings me back to my first bit of homework.  How do I ask for help?  What do I even ask for?  What would you ask for – if you were in my place?