I don’t even know where to start, or what to say. Just when Ithink I’ve reached my limit, another heaping spoonful gets dumped on my plate.

I started blogging to share what I’ve gone through in hopes of helping other families learn what is available, and perhaps to let others know they’re not alone. I have received feedback of all kinds, and am always surprised to find out anyone even reads these posts. I have had the very people I thought would be beside me abandon me and disappear, and I’ve had unexpected blessings from near and total strangers. Quite quickly blogging turned in to a sort of self therapy, freeing my mind and spirit of experiences and helping me move on. At times the results have been very heavy, affecting those closest to me to a point of where I felt I had to stop before relationships crumbled and were lost. And today, all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and say “ Dear God, what next??!!”

I am exhausted. Completely spent. My mind is so full of things to share and yet it’s coming at me so fast I’m drowning. I don’t know what I’d do without my wonderful fiance. I would have left me a long time ago, but he’s so calm and patient. His wisdom and ability to stay calm mean so very much to me . I’d be lost without him. He is my voice of reason in the darkness.

What amazes me so much is the gross disconnect in the system. I just don’t understand how all of these services are so hidden, and why even the “mental health specialists” at schools know nothing about what to do in a crisis. I mean nothing. I spoke with my daughter’s principle today and he said they had no idea of programs and help available. If it’s such an epidemic, how does that even happen? Is no one trained?

I’m so tired of hearing the current question of the day. “What are you doing for yourself? For self care?” “We’re worried about you”. Are you kidding me? I’m dealing with 4 kids right now all struggling. I have a business to run that I need to be at to try and pay some of my bills. I come home and throw a pathetic dinner together and fall asleep on my couch late at night. My dishwasher has been broken for a year, so imy peaceful time is standing at the sink washing dishes. I just did laundry for the first time in 2 weeks. Thank goodness my kids do their own. On the opposite side I just don’t sleep, then show up at work like a zombie, trying to care for the 24 employees I have that count on me to be an example for them, and listen to them, and guide them through a very difficult high needs job. I run constantly to Dr. appointments, family counseling appointments, taxing kids from one place to the next.

My fiance and I spent a weekend together November 2013. We have seen eachother for only a few hours, maybe once a week in the last 9 months. We haven’t even talked about wedding plans. You’d have to actually be able to grow a relationship to make that happen. All I have wanted to do for the last year is go to Banff or Seattle and just spend some time together, talk a little, but there is no chance of that in sight. How do you leave constant crisis?

I have wanted my daughter to confide in me for months. I heard the words tonight, and I had no clue how to respond, because there is no correct way. If I say nothing, I lose. If I say too much, I lose even more. I get to be a parent bystander, just watching this crazy life unfold. Today I actually put my head in my hands, and thought, “what horrible thing did I do in my past to cause all of this? Is it my fault? Was it my divorce? Lack of finances?” During a recent counseling session they asked me, “Are finances an issue? ” I looked stunned, and my daughter laughed. “They’ve always been an issue”, she said. “Hmmm. I see” , the counselor said. “WHAT THE HECK?! Are you kidding me? What about single mom with no support don’t you understand? How do I bleed a stone? I didn’t luck out and hit the mother payload with an X floating in cash. Quite the opposite” All of those words run through my mind, and I instead calmly say, “ yes. Money is as challenge”. “Has it always been that way?” “Good grief!”.

Where do I go from here? How do I get out of the middle of this quick sand? I have no clue, but I know I will. I always somehow manage to work my way out, and I know although I’m up past my neck, I will squirm my way out. Some how. Some way. I will do this. We will survive.

People should know. They just have to. It just shouldn’t be this hard.