I sit in a room. The walls are a newly painted pale green – peaceful and refreshing. In the window sits a bamboo tree, and a tiny stone Buddha hangs in the window as a symbol of peace. A straw heart with a red ribbon hangs on the wall. There’s a wooden end table with a large old lamp on it to light the room at night. . The window is set at the angle so the bright sunshine can stream through the window throughout the day.

Below me is my daughters room. I can hear the canter of her voice on the phone. There’s an odd chuckle, here and there. I know she’s on the kids help line. She’s been struggling, and won’t talk to me about the details, whatever they may be. I know the outline of the story, but it’s the details that are eating her up from the inside out.

The cutting has stopped, for now, but she’s getting thinner again which is just a different type of self harm. Her birthday dinner was 4 of us sitting at the table talking, and her sitting in the corner of the booth crying and wanting to return to the hospital. “No, I won’t take you back there. I will not sit in a cold room for 9 hours only to hear it’s all in your head. We know what this is from.” “Please, just stop the pain”, she cried. It was a difficult evening.

Today I feel as if my heart is a little bit broken. I’m doing my best to stay cheery, but it’s been more difficult this week. I know it’s wearing on my boys, my fiance, and my family, which wears on me even more. I find myself apologizing for just trying to to be a good mom. I lack the energy to stand up and do.the things that need to be done. Maybe a little cry would do some good.

There is a time when you hold your baby, and you look in to their eyes and promise them you’ll never let anything hurt them. Unfortunately it’s a promise we can’t keep. Somewhere along the lines things just fell apart a little. The puzzle box fell and some of the pieces got lost. Every once in awhile I find one, but the is still the missing few rhat keep me from putting things back together.

I have no reason to be sad – I know that. All 3 of my children are alive, and are, at this moment, not in iminemt danger, and yet something just doesn’t feel right. I can’t quite put.my finger on it, but my spirit is bothered.

The call is over, and the house is quiet. My job today will be to try and fill these walls with sunshine and somehow change the energy. One step at a time. One bit at a time.

To stay in one spot is to drown. If I want to go somewhere different I must swim, so swim I shall. I’m not a great swimmer and definitely no fast, but I can swim, as long as I know there’s an edge. I don’t really like the water, never have, but we don’t always get to choose where we are.

Time to jump in the water once again.