The decision had been made – ADTP (Adolescent Day Treatment Program) would be the way to.  The question was – when?  Our counselor was told the waiting list was 5 weeks.  A different counselor said it could be 2 weeks.  I remember the Dr. saying she had connections there….how do they make the decision anyways?  The reason we were going there was because my daughters diagnosis’ were so serious, going straight home with no support would be a bad choice.  We’d already spent 5 months in the hospital – if there’s a 5 month wait…….I didn’t even want to think…….

We got a call from the hospital about an appointment at ADTP the next week.  We would be meeting with one of the psychiatrists to see if she would be a fit for the program.  “Wait a minute, I thought it was already decided that she would be going there?”.  Once again, the disconnect between programs and communication was showing.  “Oh well,” I thought.  “At least we’re getting in the door”.  We were told the appointment would be an hour and 45 minutes, given instructions, and to make sure we didn’t miss.

I really didn’t know what to expect.  More counselors, psychiatrists.  Changing teams.  Change – never, ever an easy thing – especially with all of this.  The last time we had a change it did not go well at all.

The day came and I picked up my daughter at the hospital.  I was determined to be early, however it is never easy to get out of the ward.  You go over safety plans, sign a sign out sheet, talk to nurses……eventually you get out.  We got to location – a little strange but hey, we could do this.  We walked up to the door, and pressed the buzzer.  Shortly after heard a click, so I tried the door and it opened.  Once we got inside we didn’t know which way to go….up or down?  We decided up, walked through another door, and were asked to sit down and wait.  I had been so eager to be on time, that I had mistaken the appointment for 30 minutes earlier than it was, so now we had to sit and wait for 40 minutes.  That’s ok – we could wait.  Eventually a lady came out, and asked my daughter to go with her.  I got to sit and wait, longer.  I didn’t bring anything to do this time, so fortunately they had some magazines to look at, and I hadn’t used up all my data yet, so fb was always an option.

An hour and a half passed.  What could she be talking about?  What was she saying?  I thought we were through this already.  Eventually I was asked to come in the room.  They psychiatrist told me the words I wanted to hear.  “We need a 1% glimmer of hope from our patients.  I got that today, so we’ll take her in to the program”.  Music to my ears!!!  The next words were some of the most frightening I’ve heard for awhile. “Due to the severity of the issues we’re dealing with, you – we all, are going to have to be vigilant with the safety piece.”  Vigilant.  She was saying that until treatment is over – and beyond, we would not be able to take our eyes off her.  I don’t mean following around, watching everything she does, but it does mean never, ever being left alone.  “There may be more readmissions along the way, and we may have to stop and start, but we will hold a place for her.”  Readmissions?  We’re just starting to talk about the D word, and now I’m already planning to have to take her back?

When you take your child back, I’m told you have to do it from scratch.  All over again.  Emergency.  Waiting.  No guarantee on the same Dr., or even the same location.  ACH may not even be where she would be……………Oh well, I’m not going there.  I refuse to let my mind hover over something that isn’t even happening yet.  Let’s take this 1 step at a time.

Through this whole process, I have been thinking about relocating and trying to make sense of steps going forward.  One of the biggest things has been where do we live?  Seems to make sense that we should probably move to the city.  Closer to hospitals, closer to programs,  closer to my fiancé, closer to my family for support – just seems to make sense.  With one word that all changed.  Vigilance.  Where we live, it’s pretty hard to get lost.  There aren’t a whole lot of places to go.  No trains, busses, no public transportation, and the hills around the town are too exhausting and time consuming to climb.  At the very least, they’d take time to get past if you really wanted to get somewhere.  How easy would it be to get lost in the city?  I can’t even imagine going through what we have in a large city.  I would have had no idea of where to look. I have seen first hand, how effective our search and rescue is when called in to action.

Vigilance.  Like having a new baby.  So many things to think about.

The best thing is that there is support out there, and fantastic programs available.  I’ve even heard of new ones that are being created right now that are even more specialized.  Listen to the professionals, take time to think, and then follow your gut.  I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit, or else get just too tired to figure things out.  Listen to your heart.  You’ll know what to do.