5 days and counting. I thought I’d be feeling really happy, but I think my fear is standing in the way. Truth is I’m scared. Quite scared.

I remember reading a book when my kids were first born. It listed all the things you should have around, what kind of medicines to have, handy phone numbers, all the little things you should do to prepare for the new baby.

There is no book for this. No hand book. No prep guide. No real “guide for the depressed, self harming, anxious, eating disorder, vegetarian teen”. What a title that would be, eh?!

I made some appointments this week, during my staycation, to learn a little more of what I should prepare for.

1. Have an emergency number of a close by friend in case of escalation. You may think you can handle it on your own but you might not.

Done. Messaged a friend from 20 years back and we programmed numbers in yesterday. She lives around the corner. Very fortunate.

2. Start a food train. Ask someone to organize week night meals for the next while so you don’t have to worry about that and can concentrate on what you need to.

Done. Asked the same friend to help. I’m horrible at asking but will need to ask someone else on this too. I really hate asking. I much prefer helping !

3. Remove all alcohol from the house or from access.

Almost done. I don’t drink much so this is easy.

4. Remove all vitamins and medications from reach or access.

Almost done. 1 bottle of Tylenol left to lock up.

5. Sharps. Remove all knives, razors, and dangerous cutting tools from reach or access.

Not done. This one is a pain because it seems so ridiculous and unbelievable. Will be done this weekend.

6. Emergency numbers. Program in emergency numbers to the phone for easy access. Hard to think when you’re panicking (or trying not to).

Never took myself as the panicking type. I’ve always been pretty calm, and even animals chill around me. At that moment when you’re standing in a field screaming at God, you’re panicking. Numbers are programmed in.

7. Emergency kit. Have a small bag already packed with necessities for the hospital in case of quick return. Pack toothbrush, deodorant, contact stuff, granola bars, magazine or book, pen and note paper.

Almost done. The pen and notepad is important. They tell you so much stuff and your brain is overwhelmed so it’s hard to remember sometimes.

8. First Aid Kit. Throw out expired stuff and get antiseptic, ploysporin, bandages, etc.

Done. Self Harm is an epidemic. Trust me. This is like a virus and has become the way of choice to express feeling. People don’t believe me when I say how rampant this is. Don’t let denial fool you. Watch for the signs. I NEVER would have believed this was happening if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

9. Gas up. Don’t leave your tank empty.

I’ve always done this, perhaps because of living outside the city. Last thing I would want is to need gas at 2 am and not have it. I’ve even searched the couch for change sometimes to.make sure I at least have enough to get there. An ambulance costs $490 from where I live to the city and they don’t let the parent ride along. Best to be prepared.

10. Support chain. If you need it, have a number you can call to put family and friends in to action.

It takes a village to raise a child – at least that’s what I’ve heard. That saying didn’t really come across clearly till now. I’m fortunate because my son at home is 18 so he doesn’t need much care, however this is extremely stressful on him as well. Put people in to action around you to help support, make calls, and whatever else you need. A simple check in can be all that’s necessary sometimes.
I don’t know what the future holds. I want to be optimistic but quite truthfully, I’m terrified. I’m scared of letting my guard down too quickly. I’m scared of the what ifs. I’m scared I won’t do the right thing. I’m scared of being judged. I don’t want to go back again. I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to cry anymore.

I’m just scared.

Take a deep breath. Put on the cape, however thin it may be and stand tall. Be brave. You can do this. I can do this. We got this.