“Hello, Mrs. Johnsen?
“Yes, that’s me. Please call me Kerry.”
“Ok then, hello Kerry. How are you doing today?”
“…………….fine? Thankyou. And yourself?

Another one of those calls. You see the number. You know who it belongs to. Again, you take a deep breath, but this time sit down prior to answering.

“Am I catching you at a bad time? Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

Yes. I answered the phone so please, talk. Tell me something good. Tell me amazing news. Tell me this is almost over and this will be a closed chapter, never to be opened again. Please, just tell me something hopeful.

The Doctor on the phone proceeds to talk about a small incident at the program involving a staff member and a breach of confidentiality. We discuss the situation briefly, and that my daughter has been informed.of the situation. They assure.me this has been educational for them and has been resolved.

“How do you perceive dealing with this? Will you discuss it with her, and do you anticipate any problems?”

“Really?”, I think to myself. How am I going to deal with this? Will I talk about it with her and what do I anticipate happening? Great question indeed!

That’s the whole issue all the time. What will happen? There is no jacket cover or last page to read and get the end of the book first. I used to do that when I was in school. Book cover, inside jacket, first chapter, last chapter, book report, and done! 60% is all I needed – anything higher was a bonus. Anything lower was too indicative of my lack of effort. Didn’t really matter – I was cruising with tons of stuff more important to me I needed to do.

I miss those days. The “spoiler alert” saved my butt a bunch of times. Unfortunately, the path I’m on now has no alerts – at least not until your going over the actual bump. I would love a pot hole sign but I’m constantly facing that “construction for 100 miles” sign on a 1 lane highway. No turning back. No alternate route or detour. Not even a route recalculation – just rough road ahead.

How many times have you been cruising down the highway, summertime, windows open, tunes playing, and then you see an orange sign? Construction ahead. You think to yourself, “no problem. It’s a nice day, I’m in no rush, how bad can it be?” Then another sign comes that says 50 km ahead. “Really? That’s the pits. Maybe it will be just a short distance.” Then another sign comes that says construction next 100 km. “What the heck?! I just drove past the last exit. Now I’m stuck”. You slow to 50, and keep driving, waiting to see construction, but there’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not so much as a pot hole. You cruise for awhile, at 50 km/hr, trying to stay cheerie and not get irritated. Why let this ruin your trip? No point. 5 km pass. No problems. Small little pot hole comes up but you just had your shocks done so you don’t even feel it. More signs, and yet nothing. Another 5, then 10, then 15 km pass. Nothing at all is happening, and yet your eyes stay wide open, you stay alert, and you watch – just waiting for that huge bump in the road that will cause havoc. Nothing. You feel tempted to speed up a bit, after all, 50 seems a little ridiculous. If you go 60 or so and saw a cop you could easily slow down. You reach about 65 or 70, and then see a man with a sign that says slow. He’s waving his arms frantically as if you’re in imminent danger. It must be coming. By this time you’re almost half way there, and yet nothing out of the ordinary. You can’t even figure out why this is all happening in the first place. You’ve had a clear road – no issues, yet the bells are ringing, blinkers are blinking, and you’re on high alert the entire time. This is my life. Things seem fine. Moods are good. No self harm. No escalations. No incident reports. All good, and yet I’m being warned by the team on every front that it’s coming. Watch. Wait. Keep alert. Bad will probably happen………. It’s exhausting. I’ve said it before that I’m not good with rides, and I meant it. This is no different. How do you live a “normal” life and yet still operate all the time with a wise mind? I wouldn’t dare have a drink. I wouldn’t dare put my jammies on early and snuggle up for a movie. I wouldn’t go to bed early, run to the corner store, or even just have a long shower and turn the music on. I need to be prepared and be ready. Watch. Wait. Listen. And make sure no one sees you doing it. Alert on the inside and calm on the outside. I’m pretty sure my frustration comes through loud and clear. The waters are so muddy. I feel like I’m in a really long movie and just want to see the end already, but I know we have a long way to go. At least that’s what I’m being told. Things have been going well. Every day a little more trust is built bringing us closer and closer, but there’s always that however. The “what if” always exists. “If I let my guard down for just a moment, some thing is going to happen, and I’d never forgive myself”. I want to breathe and yet I can’t. This is so hard. I know the hand I’ve been dealt, but that joker is always out there. This is the first time in my life I have really felt being positive is truly negative, and that I feel reprimanded for feeling hopeful and like we might be out of the woods. Not sure anyone really understands, so for now I keep my cards close and won’t reveal my hand, after all, that card is still out there.