Imagine your child comes to you, and asks you a question.  Not just any question.  Keep in mind, the mental health world is very different, so your faced with things you never thought would enter your life.

Imagine your son comes to you and starts a conversation with you, looking for advice.

“Mom, I need help.  I have a decision to make, but I don’t know what to decide.  Can you help me?”

Well, this has started well.  I’m being asked for wisdom, guidance and nurturing from my teenage child, that recognizes my years of experience.  My chest gets a little puffy, and I put my finger on my chin, trying to give the impression of deep contemplation.

“I have this friend.  Actually, I really like her.  She’s super nice, and doing really well since she’s gotten clean.”

– Eyebrows starting to rise.  Trying to force them down.  Don’t blow it. –

“She has this friend that I can’t handle.”

– We’re worried about the friend?  I’m still hooked on the “clean” part. –

“Mom.  Seriously – are you paying attention?  Her friend drives me nuts.  I can’t stand her.  She was one of the people that used to help supply her.  She’s also hates me, and can’t understand why she’d want to be around me.  I feel I have to say it’s me your friend.  Can’t be both?  What do you think?  I don’t know what to do?”

Well,  now I’m in a canundrum.  This rhetorical question (hypothetical too), could be asked of me at any time, just how do you answer when you’re the mom of anyone of the people in the question?  What ever happened to “Can I die my hair purple?”, or “I’m thinking of having a burger – should I have fries too?”  Those would be luxurious questions.  Instead, I could be the parent of any one of these 3 kids.  I am the parent of these kids.

One of my kids, being one of the characters in this scenario, asked me how I would react to this discussion.  Unlike the parent above, I probably wouldn’t hold my eyebrows down.  I probably wouldn’t sit with a puffy chest, feeling all wise and nurturing.  Instead, I’d  sit on my chair, in my jammies, with eyebrows nailed to my hairline.

“First, I’d be asking what the heck you want to have going on with someone who “just got clean”?  Really?  I’m assuming you don’t mean showery clean.  Second, this person is going to put another junkie – in front of  you?  Like that’s really a decision?  I’d say cut both of these people from your life.  Preferably yesterday!”

My child sat there, stunned, just looking at me.  I could hear the words running through their head.  “Really mom, that’s what you think of me? You’d turn someone away and say those bad things?”  I didn’t let those thoughts last long.

“Now, do you want to know what I really think?  I think people make mistakes.  People can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, internet, sex – it’s all the same really.  The difference is – where are you in your journey with it?  Will being with that friend take you back to a place you can’t or don’t want to be?  If that person fell back, would they take you with them, or could you stand and say no way?  I don’t think it’s right for anyone to give someone an ultimatum, however they do have to make a choice for themselves, in the moment, to protect their own health.  Abuse hasn’t made you a bad person – but the consequences are that once people know, they will react differently.  It’s just how it is.”

That discussion was a sobering moment for both of us.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone.

How would you react?  Is it right that a stigma sticks with you forever?

How long until your forgiven – or is it right to follow you the rest of your life?

When is a mistake, just a mistake?  Bankruptcy follows you 7 years.  A vehicle accident – 4 years.  A speeding ticket?  2 years.  Mental health?  Dear God, I hope the answer isn’t forever.

As a mom, just a basic simple mom that has kids who have suffered with different mental health issues, here’s what I’d really like to say.

To the girl that is still struggling.  Perhaps now isn’t the right time for you all to be friends, but that doesn’t mean forever.  Get clean.  Get some strentgh.  Know we are your biggest cheerleaders, and kn0w we will not judge you if you stumble a little.  You can do this.

To the girl who got clean.  Stay the course.  Be focused.  DO NOT, and I really mean, do not get stuck in what was and don’t get caught making excuses for those who aren’t as far along as you are.  Be proud and move forward.  Know your limits and make sure you honor them.  You are not what you’ve done.  Mistakes don’t define who you are.

To the boy making the choice.  This is the hardest.  Please don’t judge based on the past.  Better yet – to the parent of the boy – please don’t judge based on the past.  I know you’re scared.  I know you want the best for your son.  I want the same for my kids, and just because they’ve made mistakes you don’t understand, I would ask you’d look at their hearts first.  Then, and only when you’ve found out who they really are, then make your decision.

To all of you out there – if anyone is even reading this – open your mind….just a little bit.  Stop the stigma.