My how time flies. I can’t tell you how many times I’m driving from one place to another and blogs run through my head, yet I just don’t have the time or energy to write. 

First Alberta Children’s Hospital (ACH), then Adolescent Day Treatment Program (ADTP), then the Youth Community Support Program (YCUSP), the Foothills Drug Addiction Program, as well as CASA, and now I find myself sitting in a waiting room, at the Mathison Center For Mental Health and Research – another potential program, probing in to the dark corners of our lives, that are hidden from regular folks. 

I’m not even sure what to say at this point. They want to study my daughter, find out why we are on this journey, take pictures of her brain, ask questions of our family – or at least me, in an effort to perhaps provide more support, and hopefully help other people heading down this rocky path. 

I find myself feeling kind of scared, very vulnerable, extremely exhausted, and slightly emotional at the idea of going through all of this again. I haven’t really seen support yet that has been able to help.  I forget that once there is trauma or addiction it is always there. Eating disorders don’t go away – they are in remission. Major depressive disorders go away?  Nope. Just in remission. Drug addictions?  Once an addict – always an addict.  Suicide – it’s a darkness always looming in the corner. 

As I was driving here today, I looked at my daughter, and I just saw her. None of the diagnosis’, just a young girl with a job, school, friends, a boyfriend, and a family that loves her. When I write it down it looks normal. When I think about it, it’s anything but.

How do we get out of this hole?  Will it ever change?  I’m at the point of being so exhausted I’m afraid I’ll miss something. I don’t have the mental capacity to keep on top of this any more – at least it doesn’t feel that way.

Where do I go for help? Where do parents go when they don’t feel they can hold it together? You can’t say anything at work because you’re weak or vulnerable and are passed over because “your life is too full”.  Dr’s want to prescribe pills. “Here, let me give you something to sleep, or not to feel so sad.  Let me know if you need more.”  Shrinks just ask questions and say the same thing. “Take care of your self.  What are you doing for self care?”  Quite frankly, some days self care happens to be having toast and going to bed. After all, a decent meal and 4 hours of sleep are required to keep things going.

29 minutes have passed. 16 more and I will be ushered in to a room, and asked questions about my life for the last few years. I will be asked what my daughter was like when she was young, what signs I saw, how did I know……

That’s the scary part.  You think you know…..but you just don’t. 

Any of this sound familiar?  Reach out. Get some help. Phone a friend and go for wings. Do something normal. Find your grounding. Don’t be afraid to cry – it doesn’t make you a bad parent. 

Maybe, despite more parking fees, gas bills, meals to go, hours waiting, just maybe, someone will shed some light and be able to help.
This is my normal.