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For those who know me, I’m sure you’d agree that I’m a hard worker. I like to stay positive, I’m always looking for the next great idea or a way to make a quick buck to pay for whatever Thing 1, 2 or 3 throw my way. I’m addicted to diet coke even though I know it’s horrible for me. Mexican food is my favorite. I’m always up for a party (unless it’s for me sometimes, weird, I know), I’m a tad competitive and like to win “the creams and the lotions and the goodies and stuff”! I love helping people and will always do what I can, no matter how tired I am. I’m not normally a crier – emotion isn’t really my strong suit. I’m sure my tomb stone quote will be, “How hard can it be?”

I’m a single mom. I get no support from a dad that does not participate in Thing 1 or 2 ’ s life – they have withdrawn from him completely (for their own mental health) long ago, and Thing 3 hangs by a thread. I have very serious reasons for not pushing harder for support right now, but that’s food for another discussion.

All that said, life costs money. I know there are a ton of single parents out there in the same boat foe one reason or another, and support or not, life is expensive. I want to share with you the costs of having a child in health care. We are so incredibly fortunate to have paid health care, but there are plenty of other expenses that have made being a proud mama very tough, especially when asking for help can sometimes deepen your own personal pain.

It took me awhile to learn the system, so hopefully my learning can help you…

Parking – $13.75/day
$39.75/week
$80/month

First get your day ticket. Keep it with you, then take it to the machine and upgrade to a week. Prior to the end of the week, (if your stay is longer), you can go to the head of your health unit, and ask for a stay form to be signed, that will authorize a longer parking pass. Take the signed form and your parking ticket prior to 4PM to the nasty lady behind the glass, pay another $40 and they will issue you a month long pass. It’s critical not to lose that ticket. They won’t reissue and you will have to pay more. One month I ended up paying $120 because I wasn’t there before 4. I thought they would add the two tickets together and count that equal to paying for 1 month but they said no. (They’re closed weekends too which doesn’t help). My warm fuzzies don’t really extend to the parking folks – they mean business and they have no sympathy. Also, quit driving in circles on the first level for parking. The lower level (L1) has better parking anyways. Keep your ticket and renew before you have to feed it back in the machine. That will be your only proof of payment . I ended up having to apply for some financial assistance and I needed those stubs to prove how much the parking costs .

Fuel

I’m sorry to all those oil folks, but it’s a 47 km drive each way from my house to the hospital. For the first month I was there every waking hour outside of work . My gas bill tripled each week putting me at $150/week instead of $50. I’m so thankfull gas prices have gone down. My income is budgeted to the penny and with parking and fuel costs, I now have about $300-400 extra with those costs alone, and no time to work a 2nd job anymore……

Food

A small cup of tea at the hospital is about $3, and a mediocre piece of pizza is $3.75 . Yes, bringing food with me all day would be smart but is just sometimes impractical, especially when the phone rings and plans suddenly change. You need to plan for someone to bring you something, or have change for a bite while you’re there. Even if you have to stay the night, they will provide your child food, but not you. Our fist night at the hospital.left me food less for about 32 hours. Not purposely – I was in so much shock I forgot to eat – and when I stood up I almost passed out. My fiance brought a care bag with some things to get us by till admission happened.

Prescriptions

You’d think that because your child is in the hospital, there would be no issue with health care, but not so . Whatever the reason they are there for is how they are seen. I decided to go give my daughter a little girl love and brought some things to give her a pedicure. While doing her feet, I noticed she had a badly infected toe, and 2 other badly swollen toes. I brought it to the nurses attention, and had to make a bit of a fuss for it to be taken care of. They cleaned it up and left it at that. I had to be a strong advocate to have a different Dr from another unit come and look at her foot . The point ? All the normal day to day stuff still happens, and you need to be a strong advocate to get it looked after. The units have tunnel vision sometimes – you’re responsible to keep remembering the big picture (advocated the small stuff too). If you need something not ordered through the unit, or ordered from another unit, you have to pay for it. The pharmacy at the hospital is only open till 5 so use one you’re familiar with. They will need to put the regular prescription in to the daily orders, so make sure that gets done too and follow up on it. If they decide to change meds, they will require both parents consent, so now is a good time to try and be on relatively good terms with your X , or at least be able to text. You’ll have to unblock their number from your phone or at least change the bad identifier name to something appropriate for others to see (I’m not bitter, really, lol). You’re probably going to have to convince them to say yes to a change their mind on whatever conspiracy theories are keeping them from agreeing. It’s a pain in the butt but also protects everyone.

Home Life

What is that? Ok, truthfully, I’m told the average stay in the mental health ward is 2-3 weeks, so your displacement will hopefully not be as long as mine. We’re in to month 5, with probably another month to go, and repeat admissions expected. That said, you’ll wonder what you used to do before . I’m very grateful to have a job that is so understanding, and boys that are so understanding too. My parents made us a few meals at first. I think that’s all my boys all the for the first week. Let’s just say they won’t be hungry for lasagna for awhile. I’ve never been one to ask for help, and I’m really lousy at it, but they will tell you to ask your friends for help. See if someone can deliver a few meals to your house so you don’t have to worry about your kids eating cereal for supper every night and so you have something to eat when you get home. Trust me. People feel helpless and so will you. They truly can’t possibly understand unless they’ve been there. If you’re reading this and you know someone with a child or family member in hospital, don’t when question it. Deliver a meal – leave it on the door step if you have to. Help pay for a parking pass (a friend of mine did this one month and I cried). Give them a little carry case with a cloth, some chapped lip stuff, toothpaste, gum – that sort of stuff). Sometimes the hours are long, and they pump air all the time that keeps you cold and dry.

Passes

Once they feel your child is “safe” and can use their new safety plans, you will have, I mean get to take your child on a pass. This starts as 30.minutws, then 1 hour, 2-4, 6-8, and then eventually overnight. Success rates change the formula. Passes cost money so be prepared. Going to the mall is going to cost you at least food, and probably a tshirt or sweater or something. The cafeteria will cost you carrot cake ($3.75 for that small piece?!) and a beverage- but don’t buy anything with caffeine – it’s not allowed.

I’m pretty sure that covers the most unavoidable expenses. Why am I telling you this? I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m a proactiv person. Acting is a much better feeling then reacting. Hopefully you knowing a little bit more about what to ask for and what to expect will help.

Stay strong – you’re not alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Ask for help.

“Hello?”
“Hi, Ms. Johnsen?”
“Yes”
“We need permission to do a blood test”
“Um mm, ok…….what happened?”
“A patient smuggled in a sharp after a pass. 5 of the kids shared and self harmed. We will be testing your daughter for HIV, Hep, and will be retesting in 70 days for Hep”
“(Silence)………..OMG……..”

1 in 10 kids is self harming. That means at least 3 kids in your kids class, and I’d bet it’s more than that, are hurting themselves as a way of controlling the pain on the inside. It’s more common in teens, women, gay and bisexuals. Self harm is really easy to react to because we can see it. It’s alarming because it’s hard to understand. People self harm as a way of control, of feeling something – or something different.

Cutting seems to be an epidemic nowadays. I know of at least 3 kids in my daughters class that are doing it, which means there are more. Cutting is a superficial wound, not usually deep, but also very addictive. They tend to cut in places not easily seen – thighs, upper arms, underside of their breasts, hips, abdomen – places where a Dr might not even look. The wound will break the skin, and is at risk of getting infected. I’ve seen the self afflicted cuts, and even eraser burns. They’re nasty and very easy to react negatively too.

If you are looking for signs, inconspicuously look for fine silvery or white lines on their skin, unexplainable patterns of horizontal grouped cuts, and even in some cases deep obvious scratches. When you hug your child make note of their body language. Most importantly, if you do discover something don’t get mad – and this is really a hard one. I have reacted poorly to this one at first. Mental health issues are hard to understand and not often visible, so we don’t react, or we pin a label of “weird” or “nutso” and carry on. When you see a loved one with visible wounds you want to understand and help immediately, but really don’t know how. It’s easy to freak out, after all, you’re having to be all full of self control and understanding all the time when really you want to jump up and down and scream and shout.

Firstly, try not to be alarmed. If there’s a wound to be cleaned, do so as if you’re cleaning a scraped knee. Stay neutral with your emotions. I have bitten my tongue so hard sometimes that I’m surprised it hasn’t just fallen off. My daughter challenged me and said she wouldn’t talk about it till I did some research. There are a boat load of websites devoted to the topic – I encourage you to read them and be aware. Ignorance is bliss – I really understand the true meaning of the saying now.

Research I did, and it has helped me to keep a more emotional distance, but honestly the inner gasp is still there when I see it and my heart breaks for the inner pain causing it. Will she talk to me about it now? Not really, but at least she doesn’t get mad and will talk a little if I don’t push. I do know that it is just another way of expressing what’s happening on the inside, and that’s the issue to be more concerned with.

“Hello?”
“Ms Johnsen? We have the blood test results”
“(Silence)”
“Are you there? “
“Sorry, yes”
“All tests were negative. She’ll have to be tested again in 70 days”
“(Tears flowing) …….Thank you”.

Just a side note – be diligent and keep track of dates. They forgot to do the retest and didn’t do it till I called twice. Thank goodness for the family counselors at ACH. They’re great advocates when things fall through the cracks.

2nd test results? Negative. Whewf. Thank God

September 23rd. I received a text from the mother of a friend of my daughters. She said to me “I hope you’re not mad, but maybe you should check your daughters phone – she sent a text you might want to see”.

I had found out a few weeks back when Robin Williams died that my daughter had been feeling sad. Sad. Sad. What exactly does that mean? Down? Frustrated? Depressed? Or just sad? I started watching her a little closer. I noticed as we went we shopping for school clothes that she had gone down 2 sizes. She had been struggling with stomach pain for about a year – but 2 sizes? 5’9”, and a size 2, or zero? Should I be alarmed? I also noticed the scale appearing pulled out more often. Food in the garbage. Should I be alarmed yet? We went to the pediatrician and had her checked out. Indeed she had lost about 20 lbs, and decided maybe time for some help. A referral was put in to the eating disorder clinic but the waiting list was 6 months, so I took things in to my own hands and tried to engage her – help her re feed her body. Things felt good. I thought we were on the right track.

On Sept 23rd our lives changed forever. The text that she sent said I’m so fat I want to die. I looked at her beautiful face and said I wanted to help but she withdrew and gave me a look I have never seen before. The horror in her eyes shocked me, right to my core. It was time for school and I had to leave for work, so we decided to talk later in the day.

Shortly after 9 am I received a phone call from an X family member. A text had been sent to her cousin. “This is my last day. I don’t know how I’m going to do this”. I dropped rhe phone and my first ought was “where is she?!” I frantically called the school and had her paged. God, please just let her be there. She had been found in the school bathroom weeping by 2 girls, who took her to the office. I ran to.my car and drove as if life depended on it, and it did.

When I arrived at the school I was ushered in to the principals office. What do I do? What’s going on? All I could think was call her Dr. Surprisingly I got through immediately and they said take her to the hospital. I couldn’t imagine why I would take her there. What would the hospital do? I went in to the room to see my girlie. She was frantically weeping, wrapped like a tangled weed around these two girls that were holding her so tight. They didn’t even know each other. I sat down with her while the others left the room, and wrapped my arms around her, trying to make sense of what was going on. She looked up at me, and while she wept took her fingers and gently placed them on the corners of my eyes, trying to stop my tears and said “please don’t cry mom”. I knew I  was to shaken to take her myself, so the school called an ambulance. Did you know officers come too? She was so scared, and I promised her I’d be at her side, but they put her in the ambulance and left without me. I felt like I had betrayed her – so helpless and no control over anything. I didn’t know that you can’t ride with your child in an ambulance. That made no sense to me at all.

I packed up my things, called my boys and other family and headed to the hospital. Reeling with a thousand different emotions, I headed in my little yellow bug to the Alberta Children’s Hospital. I had no idea what lay ahead, what they could do, and how this got so big so quickly. “I shouldn’t have asked her about the text”, I thought.

The point here is that I never knew there were support services available for mental health. I knew about kids hotline and stuff, but who realky uses that anyways?  I’d seen the app on my daughters phone but it wasn’t used. Mental.health is never talked about. I didn’t know that when your child is angry, feeling very sad or depressed, has eating problems, or generally feels unsafe that you take them to the children’s hospital. They have a huge team there that assesses safety risks and helps your child learn coping tools and strategies. I had no idea. This is free and is there for people who don’t know what to do. You have to sit in emergency like any other patient. You have to wait for assessments. You will be asked to leave the room if your child is 12 or older and they will he asked probing questions about life at home etc – that’s probably the hardest thing at first. Standing out in the hall, wondering if your 9 Pm dinner when it should have been 5, or running out of toilet paper is going to be seen as bad parenting. A million scenarios run through your head going through discussions with your child, analyzing if it could have been taken wrong. Feeling guilty is a huge part. There are 3 different facilities for kids in our city. One for young children and teens at the Children’s Hospital, and two for teens at the Foothills and at South Campus.

If you have any question at all, don’t just leave it. Don’t second guess yourself. Believe that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach – that’s nature saying something just isn’t right. Take your child to the hospital and get help. Mental health is so hard because it comes in so many different ways. Don’t be ashamed or scared. Get help.