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Pinball

What do you think it feels like to sit next to your child’s dealer?  Yes – drug dealer. What do you think (in this case he) looks like? What do you think his family looks like?  How do you think you would feel?  Could you say anything….anything at all?

Today I attended YAP – the Youth Addictions Program at one of the local hospitals.  We were led by a lady on the 6th floor of the old nurses residence, into a tiny little over heated room.

In the room were 8 chairs, partly filled by a few teens and their parents. One boy was a stereotypical anti social type with pale, unhealthy skin, sweatpants and a hoodie, and shaggy bangs that fell over his eyes. If he tipped his head forward just a bit, they would hang so he didn’t have to make eye contact. There was a girl in the room with her mom. She looked more like the type who had been caught using and was being forced to attend. Her legs were covered with large, dark purple lesions that had been picked at. Her mom sat next to her, arms folded, not saying a word.

We entered the room and picked  chairs right across from the lady in charge. We all sat quietly, waiting for the orientation to start. Finally, 3 more people entered the room. The boy was tall, clean cut, dressed in pants, a tshirts and a baseball hat. The mom looked very familiar to me, however I couldn’t place where I had seen her before, and I didn’t recognize the dad. The parents picked the 2 chairs furthest to the left, leaving one seat open for their son next to me.

“That’s him”
“That’s who?”
“Him.  The guy I bought stuff from.”
“What? You mean the kid next to me?”
She nodded her head yes.

I could feel my eyes get big, and my eyebrows touch my hairline.
“Don’t look. Man – I swear I know his mom.  Don’t look. This is awkward. I don’t even know what to think. What do I do?  This is weird.  Seriously….where have I seen her?”

The orientation began, and the nurse gave us some handouts and began to talk a little about the program.

– 85 kids are part of this program at any given time.
– 325 people are in the adult program – it has a 5 to 6 month waiting list. Be thankful you’re not waiting for that one.
– The program is our cities best kept secret for substance abusers, sex addicts, and gaming/Internet addicts

Then came some hard facts.

All Cocaine in our city and area has been cut with a drug used for livestock for the last 4 years. In humans it causes a decreased white blood cell count and lowered immune system.

Opiates like Fentanyl are 10 times stronger than morphine and are popular because they’re only $20 a hit. Problem is, there’s no way to tell what the concentration is and what else is involved.

W12. That’s the new one. Even more dangerous than Fentanyl.

If you are on Opiates we will give you an antidote kit for free.

She continued to go through some stats and facts about the program and continued to ask if we had questions.

The more she talked, the more my head felt like a pinball machine in the bonus round. Ping, ping, ping ping, ping. Lights going off everywhere in my head as events over the last year began to make sense.

“OMG. I know where I know her from. She’s an urgent care nurse. She’s taken care of us before. I wonder if she recognizes me?  This is really awkward. Just look at the floor.  I’m sure she doesn’t even know I’m here.”

Who was I kidding. There were only 10 people in the room. Of course she could see me!

What does it feel like to sit next to your kids dealer?  I felt nothing. Nothing at all.  I just know that if I would have seen this kid anywhere, I never would have guessed. I would have thought I’d feel some kind of emotion, but truly. Just blank.

The kids were given a form. “It’s your choice. You have to want to participate. Fill in the circle if it’s a yes. Fill in the triangle if you’re not sure. Fill in the square if it’s a no.”  The kids filled out the forms and turned them in face down. “If your child filled in the circle, I will call you Monday to set up a 4 hour assessment.  This is their choice – not yours.  Thank you for coming. Be safe. ”

“She was our nurse once, wasn’t she?”
“Yeah. Funny thing was when you weren’t there, she told me I should tell you. She’d want to know if I was her kid.”

I stopped in my tracks foe a moment. So strange. So very strange. I don’t even know what to think.

If you think someone you know may be using and needs help, here’s a few things to look for:
– flick lighters for no apparent reason
– unexplainable erratic behavior
– run down, low immune system
– unable to sleep without meds
– lack of concentration
– frequently being late or more social than normal – or even the opposite
– bruised knuckles, wrists, ankles
– unusual appetite
– sudden stopping of other self harm or damaging behaviors
– thin skin, unusual blemishes or picked at skin
– emotional over compensation
– sneaking out

Even if you have a doubt, and you’re scared your kid might be involved in something scary, reach out. Get help. Ask questions and if someone says they have questionable information, don’t take it personally. Addictions are a symptom and dont make ypu or anyone a bad person. Time for a root cause analysis.

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Whipits

Just when you think you’ve seen it all, another thing comes along that blows your mind. In this case – literally.

“This is what we confiscated.”
“Really? ”
“9 large cans spray paint. 1 glass elephant. 1 plastic dish. 1 professional whipped cream cannister. 1 charge holder. Flick lighters – 2 in all.”
“Oooooo-kay.  You took that off both girls?”
“Yes, they said they were using the cannister to blow up balloons, but we found no balloons.”
“What would they be used for otherwise?”

What are whip cream cannisters used for?  I’m talking about the professional, make your own siphon kit that uses the little charge cartridges. They usually sell for $150+ in cooking stores, and the cartridges sell for between $1- $4 each.

Are you sitting down?  Load up to 3 cartridges in an empty siphon, put the tip to your mouth, spray and inhale. I’m told the high is intense and immediate, and more addictive to meth.  The danger is unbelievable and results in dead brain cells, permanent brain damage, and potentially – death.  This is what they’re doing.

Don’t fool yourself. I know I have. “Not my kid.” “Thank goodness my kid isn’t in to that!”  “You’d have to be stupid to try that.  My kid knows better.”

Drug addiction is a scary thing. There is really no way to know your kids are doing it until they’re in pretty deep. Google whipped cream, or whipits.  What do you see first?

Another thing to watch for is Dust off. Easier to get, less suspicious, more intense high, and again – horribly addictive. In case you don’t know, dust off is the stuff you spray on your computer to clean it out.

“Haven’t you ever heard of that mom?  Seriously!  Where have you been living?!”

“In a dark closet I guess………”

I used to judge kids, people, anyone who did drugs. I did – and that’s sucks, because now I know how it feels to be on the other side.

I never smoked anything. Didn’t drink anything of any consequence. I didn’t party either. I guess food was my vice, but that’s a different story.

My kids are good kids. They have amazing hearts, huge dreams and ambitions with desires to make a real difference. They weren’t raised on the streets, or abandoned and left on their own. They didn’t have to live in a shelter or a foster home, or a car or anywhere else that wasn’t deemed normal.  They went to the dentist, the doctor, to school, and on holidays like any other kids did. They rode bikes, sang songs, drew pictures and played outside until I made them come in to bed.

For one reason or another (that I’m not prepared to share), something strong enough happened that created a pain I couldn’t fix.

I truly can’t even let my mind wander to what the possibilities could have been. Anorexia. Self harm. Suicide. Depression. Anxiety. Drugs. They all fit together……

Ask questions. Know where and what your kids are doing. Know their friends, and listen when someone tries to tell you something you don’t want to hear.  At least investigate a little. You owe your kids and yourself that.

Do you believe in Angel’s?  If I didn’t before, I sure do now.

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Reflections

It was almost a year ago, that I went shopping with my daughter for school clothes.  I will never forget that day.  I had my arms full of pants, jeans, tops and all sorts of fun things, but no matter what we picked, we just couldn’t find a size that fit.  Size 5?  Nope – too big.  Perhaps a 3 would work.  Still too big.  Then I went for the 2, then the 1, then really – a zero?  Yes – we were there – at a 0 and even 00, and when I looked at how the clothes were hanging I was shocked.  In my head I gasped, and realized we had a problem.

Where are things now?  Time for a update.

Today, we went shopping for school clothes.  It’s about a 30 minute drive to the mall we wanted to shop at.  My daughter chatted along the way about how she found her journal from a year ago, and was shocked at how much she’s changed.  She said she found her entries to be dark, grey and very depressing.  She talked about how now things seem bright, and that life is great – for the most part anyways.  We spoke about how far she’s really come, and headed straight for the mall.

We walked around, looking at different things – lipstick, lingerie, tshirts and were in search of the perfect pants.  We ended up going in to the very same store we shopped at last year.  It was a little dejavu, and I must say I had to breathe pretty deeply and focus on now – not then.  We founds lots of wonderful things to try on, and off to the dressing room she went.  This time, not a size 0.  We discussed how hard it was to find clothes, and although she’s probably only a size 1 now  (maybe a 2 if we went for loose), but at least we’re not at 00.  We were able to talk about self image, potential triggers, and what makes her feel beautiful now.  It was refreshing to see her laugh, twirl and primp herself in front of the mirror.  There was one point where I made the mental note that 0 is very close, and I would have to be watching very closely, but her mood was wonderful.  The marks from all the self harm were there, but really – neither of us could really see them anymore.

All the shopping was making me ready for lunch, but she just wanted to keep on.  Next – a stop for the perfect new lipstick.  There is nothing like a new lipstick.  The feel of the cardboard box, the smooth beautiful tube and perfect shape of the color inside.  You twist it up and look for a moment, and then try it – and hopefully it’s magic.  It was hard to decide, but we managed to settle on 2 new colors for her, and 1 for myself.  Lunch?  Not yet.

We hit a few more stores, tried things on – primped and preened, and got her fitted properly for a few new items.  Lunch?  Well, that’s when the conversation began.

“Mom, I’m really struggling.  I know I have to eat, but I just can’t handle the food in my  mouth.”

“Ok, is there anything that appeals to you at all?  Soup?  Smoothie?  Sushi?  Fries? Salad?  Anything?”

“No, not really.  I know I have to eat.  And I will.  At least I’ll try, but I feel noxious when I swallow.”

We settled on a small vegetarian tray of sushi.  The first few pieces were ok, as long as we kept talking and were distracted.  Then I could see her trying not to taste it, as if it hit her tongue she would be sick.  She managed to swallow, but by the time she hit the last piece she was holding her nose and gagging.

“You don’t have to eat it all.  You made a great effort and got enough down.”

“I’m sorry mom.  I’m really trying”

“I know you are.  Maybe smaller amounts as we go?”

“My stomach hurts because I know I’m hungry.  I hate the pain – I know that’s what it’s from.  I just can’t handle the texture of anything.  It all feels thick.”

The good news?  She’s being honest with me.  She’s letting me know upfront that she’s struggling, and even better – letting me try to help.  The bad news?  She’s struggling and choking back a protein bar with her nose plugged in an effort not to loose weight.  She’s in a safe zone now, but danger is a mere 5+ pounds away.  Her program knows, she knows, and I know that it’s a struggle she may have the rest of her life, but we just have to be patient and honest. I’m being told to try and find one food she can enjoy, but even a liquid other than water turns her off.

More good news.  The rigid, straight back, perfect speech, and demure behaviors are all gone.  Now, I have a fun loving, slightly slouched, mostly barefoot dancing girl, that finds joy in brightly colored hair, tie dyed clothing, flowy pants, and singing at the top of her lungs.  She walks barefoot in the mud (I tell her not to), and dances in the rain.  Her favorite slogan is, “An adventure a day keeps the Dr. away!”.

There is still tough stuff, and we still have some big battles coming that legally I can’t talk about.  She has trouble with parts of her family that usually end up in self harm, so visits are kept to a bare minimum.  She is going to have to face a class room with kids, and a teacher, and schoolwork, and even home work – all things she hasn’t had for almost 2 years.  What will happen when boys start paying attention to her, or girls start making comments about how tiny she is, or tall or colorful, or loud or any of the other things kids say?  Her friends either aren’t in her class, or even in her grade. She won’t be able to lay on the floor in class and make toast whenever she wants anymore, and somewhere, I’m going to have to get her a computer and trust her with it.  Our school division requires each student have a laptop – something I’m not excited about.

We have fought very hard this year.  There have been good days, and not quite as good, but at the end of each and everyone of them, I’m glad and very thankful, that I’ve been given the opportunity to fight.

The toughest part now?  Dealing with the demons…………….

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The Walnut

The bowl of nuts every Christmas sits by the fireplace. The nuts are not the kind you get from a little tin with the metal tab that you peel back.  The nuts in this bowl are carefully hand picked by my dad, making sure they’re all in tact. There’s a wide assortment of Hazelnuts, Brazil Nuts, Cashews, Filberts and Walnuts, all still in the shell needing to be cracked open. Next to the dish, there’s a small metal nutcracker, with a little metal tool used to dig the small bits out of the nooks and crannies of the shell.

I was really never any good at getting the nut out of the shell with those small little crackers.  I didn’t ever get why we couldn’t get the tin, but my dad really enjoyed cracking open those nuts – and he was good at it.  I remember watching and thinking, “He doesn’t even get any pieces anywhere.  They just pop open for him.”

I remember going in to a store one time and seeing a big huge Nutcracker – the kind with the lever on the back of the head.  Seems like a monstrous tool for such a small item, but have you ever tried to crack a nut?  If you’re not careful and don’t do it right, it can make a really huge mess, and even break the nutcracker itself.  It might seem like a very small problem – crack the nut – get the goodies out of the shell but if it’s not done right you have just more of a mess on your hands.  I’m pretty sure at some point my brother tried using a hammer, and I’m sure there’s a story somewhere about a dented table or floor because of it.  The point being – a small nut can seem really hard to crack, and the large tools can seem unnecessary, but really might be needed to do it right.

This last week we took another trip to the hospital, not for my daughter this time, but for another family member.  It seemed so unnecessary.  “Can’t we just talk about this?  Tell us what’s up and we’ll help you fix it”, but mental health doesn’t work that way, and I’ve learned our youth don’t trust us and don’t feel safe sharing.

Why don’t they trust us?  Why can’t they share?  What have our generation, and the ones before us done to loose the trust of youth today?  And even more importantly, why are there so many, many hurting, angry, beaten and broken teens?

I don’t have answers to any of these questions.  I’m as perplexed as the next person, and watch as lives disappear due to a dark moment intensified by intoxication, or being high, taking away the inhibitions that could be that small little piece keeping them from ending it all.  It’s so senseless.

Talk to your children every day, and not from the other room, or while you’re working at something else.  Look them in the eye, ask them how life is.  Talk about issues like drugs, alcohol and sexuality.  Put on your big girl panties and be prepared to calmly answer some tough questions (even when you’re freaking on the inside), and if you don’t have the answers, find a safe place to get them, and then follow up.  Who will your child go to when they’re in trouble?  Do you know?  I’d be willing to guarantee that it won’t be you – at least not at first.  Learn to be ok with that, because it is what it is.  Just make sure, that they have a “go to” adult to use as a support.  A pier is not the right answer.  It needs to be someone that has their life at least a little together, and has some life experience.

“Not my kid”.  Don’t kid yourself.  I said that over and over, and I can’t write about some of the things we’ve been through.  Maybe it seems like a huge sledgehammer for a small walnut, but like those hard shells, our teenagers are no different.  The tools are there – use them – and don’t be ashamed.  At the end of the day, the only thing that matters, is that we have them to hug and hold as long as we possibly can.

As my friends son said to her, “life is a roller coaster mom – lots of twists and turns along the way”.  Eventually we’ll get there.  Stick together and hang on for all you’re worth.

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