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anorexia

Dear Sir(s)

c.c. MLA, School Superintendent, School Trustee, District School Advocate
b.c.c. Step-dad

I’m am writing to you today about my daughter, that is currently enrolled in High School. We are having some issues, and I’d like to give you a bit of background before I ask any questions.

My daughter is 14 years old, currently enrolled in Grade 9. About half way through grade 7, she started to develop chronic stomach pain, and began missing a lot of school. In total, she missed approx. 49 days of the last half of the year – so pretty much all of it. Unknowingly to me, she had developed anorexia, and was suffering from bullying at school. In September of grade 8, she texted her cousin and said this would be her last day. She went to school to say goodbye to her friends, but ended up having a type of nervous breakdown as her brain couldn’t handle the reality of what she had planned. She was taken by ambulance to Alberta Children’s Hospital, where she stayed and received treatment for just over 5 months. I didn’t find out about some other things till January, but once I did, I immediately took action.

My daughter worked incredibly hard to overcome the many issues she was suffering from . While in hospital, she attempted suicide 5 times, was involved in self harm, and her anorexia got worse. Once deeper treatment started, things started to turn around and she rapidly began to improve.

Once hospital was done, she transitioned to ADTP, where she completed 4.5 months of extreme psychotherapy, as well as school classes to complete the core subjects of grade 8. Once she graduated ADTP, she was transitioned to an out patient at YCuSP, where she is still receiving trauma treatment. She has gone through full testing through the specialists at YCuSP, and was found to be “gifted” in many areas, and above average in all the others. Other students averages are her lowest scores. Her diagnoses are: Extreme Anxiety disorder, PTSD, OCD, ADD, and Anorexia with binge/purge tendencies.

Currently, she is at a healthy weight, no longer self harms, is not suicidal, and is bright and optimistic about her future.

Last May she began to transition to high school. The VP was dedicated to her success, and made every effort to help her and make a plan. He assured us that no matter how difficult, the school was there for us and would be dedicated to her success, no matter what. She was given full access to the healing arts program, and the chat room was a great support for her. During the summer, she was tremendously excited to get back to “normal”, knowing there would be challenges, but understanding it would be a gradual transition.

September came, and she was nervous but also excited. She wore some old jeans and a plaid shirt so she wouldn’t bring extra attention to herself. These were kids she’d been with since preschool, and it felt a little weird for her to be back after missing almost 2 years of school.

She started taking a full course load, with flex class for extra help, a guidance counselor as a go to and the chat room for extra support. Unfortunately, there was a new VP as the former one had been moved. The drama teacher took special interest in her, and invited her to participate in his class daily, which took her away from flex. She absolutely loved drama and couldn’t quit talking about it. There wasn’t a single aspect of it that she wasn’t enthused about – but she was missing flex which was an issue. Quite quickly she started getting behind. The exhaustion of a full day of school left her overwhelmed and unable to handle the homework load. I asked the school for a meeting, and we talked strategy for success. Her support teacher made sure that she knew she was to be in flex, and that drama should not be a substitute. It came time for the school play and auditions, and she was elated. She knew her chances of getting a part as a grade 9 were slim, but practiced her audition piece tirelessly, and practiced lines with a friend as much as she could. She did her audition, and was very proud of herself.

Then it started.

The drama teacher posted the part list, and sure enough she didn’t get a part. Other grade 9’s got to work on sets, or lighting, but she was left completely crushed. She went to talk to the drama teacher, and he gave her no excuse. She begged to even mop the floors and clean up after, just to be at practice and watch, but he said no. We could not figure out why, as he took such interest, and then wanted nothing to do with her.

Meet the teacher night came, so I went in to the school to speak with the guidance teacher. My daughter had written a letter to advocate for herself, finished off a huge project, and went to him repeatedly to give her a chance but he just put her off. I waited 1.5 hours to talk to her guidance counselor, and when I did, I was completely shocked. She told me that the drama teacher had heard that my daughter was on drugs, and potentially dealing drugs and wanted nothing to do with her. He’d had a scare the year before with some students, and wanted nothing to do with her. She said her behavior was erratic, and made her think the same. Clearly, they had never seen a teen with her diagnoses.

I went home confused, and very worried, so I immediately called YCuSP to discuss the situation. We set up a meeting quite quickly with the school, in which myself, the team from YCuSP, teachers and administration, and eventually my daughter attended. Her practical nurse explained how not only had she passed every drug test – and she’s had many – but she has never even registered on one. A discussion was had between YCuSP asking why the school had never reached out to YCuSP, and there was no answer. Eventually, the VP asked my daughter to come in to the room, and was fairly insistent on pulling her from the FI program, and aggressively told her she had to start attending. No apology was ever given for the drug accusations, which unfortunately spread to many of the teachers, and other kids in the school.

She couldn’t do anything without someone being suspicious. Stories began to spread about her acquiring crack, that she was sleeping in bank vestibules on weekends, and how she must be using. When I asked for proof of any of this, the VP just said to me that kids had texts, but she had never seen them.

Eventually, my daughter became more and more disheartened, and got further and further behind. She was tremendously lonely, and the kids she had grown up with avoided her in class, hallways, and outdoors. She spoke to me about entering her English class, and being insulted by the teacher in front of everyone, or pointed out in another class how far behind she was, which was terribly embarrassing.

Shortly thereafter, the VP forbid her to use the chat room for support, saying it was only for successful kids that had their work done, even though they had never told her this. The room was presented to her as a support place, not as a place for successful kids. I remember walking in to the office, and seeing the vp with a huge box of smarties candy, and she told me “smartie day” was her favorite day, because she got to hand out treats to all the smart kids. This didn’t sit well with me either. My daughter was forced to sit in the classes, even though she was behind, and was not allowed to be in a separate situation. When I addressed this with administration, she had no answer as to why this was happening, but agreed it was being enforced.

At one point, the counselor, told my daughter that if she maybe changed her appearance and tried to blend in more, she would be more accepted and wouldn’t feel so alone. She came home crying that day. With the bridge burned with her counselor, with teachers and students giving her a hard time, and no support from administration, she would go to school, but sit in the library or hide in the bathroom to avoid feeling bullied and embarrassed.

Approximately 2.5 weeks ago, the school reached out to me to set up a meeting and talk about things. My daughter had made a plan with her science teacher, and was invited to come catch up at the school during exams. I arranged transportation for her every day, and she went to the school and worked. I did not consent to PAT’s, so it seemed like a great plan. On the Thursday of the first week of exams, she had gone to the school and was sitting in the chat room working. One of the school aids came to the class, and in front of the other kids, told her she had to leave the school immediately.

My daughter called me immediately and said they were making her leave the school, and could I come pick her up – she was crying and very upset. None of this made any sense to me, so I came from work as quickly as I could. I went in to the office towards the VP’s office, and she was standing outside of it and threw her hands up in the air when she saw me. They had been in a fighting match, and my daughter had used a swear word in the process, making her even angrier. I asked if we could sit down and talk, and she said no – that she had to run exams. Her support teacher was in one of the offices finishing a meeting, so I insisted we sit down and talk, rather than wait another 4 days.

I asked why we were asked to make these catch up arrangements and then was being asked to leave the school. The VP said she wasn’t done enough work to be at the school, and I argued that that was the reason why she was there. After going back and forth, we found out that administration and teachers had not communicated with each other, causing more embarrassment and stress.

They agreed that they felt my daughter was getting worse rather than better. She had lost her spark and the spring in her step and was acting more and more withdrawn. They told us they didn’t feel they could do anything for her, and that she wasn’t sick enough to attend YCuSP for school, but wasn’t able or ready to attend their school or any other school either. When they asked my daughter what she wanted, she cried and told them how much she hated it there. She described the treatment from teachers and administration as prejudicial and judgemental. She spoke to the fact that just because kids smoke, have pink hair, or dress differently doesn’t mean they’re bad people, and yet they’re harassed and treated as criminals. She was on a modified program that started later, however she was repeatedly confronted in the hallways accused of skipping class, when someone next to her that was a “good student” was not spoken to at all.

The VP suggested we go look at the Learning Center, and suggested she’d do better there. As we left the school, my daughter asked me if she had been expelled, and I answered, “I really don’t know. I don’t know if they can really do that?”

I’ve been to speak to the VP about the program at the learning center, and we’re both concerned it’s really not suited for her at this time of year. Grade 9 is treated as junior high in their program, and all classes are full year. They are also home based, self lead, with heavy reading and writing requirements. She would have to finish 4 core subjects in full within 4.5 months, basically on her own.

I have asked the VP to provide a letter giving reason why they can not accommodate my daughter, and why they have suggested somewhere else for her, but they are saying that this was all our idea. They have told us bridges have been burned, and the VP admitted that she looks at the “parking lot kids” as different. Her statement to us was that she’s an administrator, and when there’s a problem, she has to get rid of it.

The learning center asked me to write you an email, and explain the situation we’re in. Both of us agreed that it may not be the best choice. She needs some support, and to feel some success. She has stated how much she wants to succeed, to graduate, and to move on to post secondary education, but is terrified that no one will take her. if you spoke to her you would see that she’s a bright, well spoken young lady.

With other high schools not being a possibility for various reasons, our high school burning their bridges, and with the learning center not really being set up for grade 9’s, I am at a bit of a loss with what to do. My daughter desperately wants to be given a chance to succeed, but after 2 years out of the system, and the first half of grade 9 being disastrous, I need help to find what another alternative would be. I’m a single mom with no support, and definitely can’t home school – plus home school is definitely not recommended by her counselors and psychiatrist.

Right now we are in a state of limbo. My daughter does not feel welcome, and the paperwork has not yet been done to withdraw. I don’t feel I can honestly advocate for the learning center like the high school wants me to, as I don’t think it will set her up to be successful.

Can you please let us know what options are available for us? The high school has not helped or provided any other suggestions, and as time passes the situation gets more serious. I don’t have the money to just plunk her in to a private school situation. She does not want to be grouped with kids that have been expelled, or doing drugs with behavior issues. Although they may be great kids still, she wants the chance to be serious and surrounded by supportive, caring, positive influences.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read our story. I’m hopeful there is something that can be done, and very determined to find out what that is. She really deserves a chance.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

Me

P.S. some details have been left out…..for reasons I can’t say…..

0

Freaky Friday

“Hi mom?  I need to go to Urgent Care.  I threw up and I’m not feeling well.  I’m just going to get a ride there, ok?”

These are not the words you want to hear in the middle of the afternoon on a Friday.  Why on earth would you need to go to urgent care because you threw up?  That just doesn’t make sense.  Pluse, since when do you just “get a ride” to urgent care, in the middle of a school day, when you’re that young?

“Urgent Care?  Really?  Is it that bad?  I’ll come get you.”

“No mom.  I need to take care of this myself.  I just want to go by myself.”

“By yourself?   You can’t go by yourself?  You’re too young.  Plus you need your health care info and stuff.  I’m on my way to get you.”

“No mom, please.  It’s too stressful when you’re with me.  They said I don’t need the card.”

“You don’t need your health card?  I’m too stressful?  I’m your mom.  I’m on my way.”

“But….”

“I’m on my way!”

Something wasn’t right.  Since when do you need Urgent Health Care when  you throw up? And get a ride?  With who?  Go by yourself?  Yeah – right!  Not after what we’ve been through!  2 years of hospital visits, pain, complaining, excuses, and mystery issues.  I’m not anywhere near being done with this, and I’m not getting cut out of the picture now.

I drove up to the school, my mind racing with what the issue could really be.  Did something happen at school?  Had she been in classes?  Had someone said something or done something to upset her?  Work is only 4 minutes away, and I got there fairly quickly.  The teacher walked her to my car, and a very unhappy girl, pale but with flushed cheeks and teary eyes got into the car.

“I don’t want to talk about it.  I just don’t feel well”

“Okay – no worries.  Let’s go get things checked out”

The short drive was very quiet.  She was pushed in to the corner of her seat, knees to her chest and visibly agitated.  We pulled up to the doors of Urgent Care and the freak out began.

“I can’t go in there!  Get me out of here!  This is way too awful.  I can never go in there again!!! I’ll be fine – why couldn’t I do this by myself.  You coming in just makes terrible memories!  Just take me back to school!  I probably just have the flu.”

“Okay.  Calm down.  We don’t have to go in.  Do you want to just go for a drive?  Maybe go get a drink, or go for a walk somewhere?  Maybe you just got overwhelmed and need to cool down a little?”

“Just take me back to school.”

“I’m not sure if you should be there if you’re throwing up.  Did you make yourself throw up?  Is there anything you’re not telling me that I need to know?”

“No.  I swear I didn’t – I don’t do that anymore.  Just take me back.”

We drove back to the school – perhaps 15 or 20 minutes had passed.  I walked her in to the zen room and the teacher looked at me with wide eyes. “What, Urgent Care is working at record speeds now?”  I explained that she felt it was maybe unnecessary, so we decided to come back.  We continued to talk a little while longer and I expressed my concern.  I felt something was fishy here but wasn’t sure what.  I hadn’t seen this kind of behavior for a very long time, and it wasn’t sitting well with me.  I asked them to just keep an eye on her, and asked her to check in with me in a few hours.

I went to my car, and immediately called her YCUSP counselor.  “Something just isn’t right.  She’s acting erratic, irrational, and very agitated.  I’ve been to every appointment for 2 years, and now I stress her out?   I don’t get it.  She hasn’t been to classes for 2 days.  She seems so lonely and unhappy.  This isn’t a transition – it’s a plunge, and things are starting to unwind.  The stomach pain is back and she’s overwhelmed.  It’s just too much.  We can’t go back there.”

We decided to set some appointments with the school, and reevaluate what things needed to look like.  If things continued on like this, we both agreed it would be a one way ticket back to program, or even hospital, and we couldn’t let that happen.  Then my other line rang.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I’ve just been having a long chat with your daughter, and she’s told me some information that you need to know.  She’s very afraid you’re going to be mad.”

“Mad?  Why would I be mad?  Can I talk to her?”

“Hi mom? I’m really sorry.  I wasn’t feeling well, and this girl at school gave me a pill.  I think it was gravol – I’m almost sure of it, but I don’t know .  Then I started feeling sicker, and I got really scared.  I don’t know what I took for sure, and I don’t know the girl.  I’m scared it might be drugs or something bad.”

“Ok, well why don’t we go get it checked out?”

“Don’t be mad at me!”

“I’m not mad.  Not at all.  Let’s just go and get it checked.”
“I said I’m not perfect!!!  I can’t always do everything perfect.  You don’t have to be mad.”

“Oooookay – I said I’m not mad.  Not at all.  We need to just go and find out.  I’m sure you’re fine, but better safe then sorry.”

“Why are  you yelling at me!!!! I said I screwed up, ok?!!”

Now I’m not sure what conversation she was on, but it definitely wasn’t the conversation we were currently having.  I could only imagine the look on her teachers face as she was yelling at me on the phone.  She was clearly stressed beyond belief, and was having her own conversation in her head, aside of the one we were having on the phone.

“My friend will drive me, ok?  I’m just going to go get checked out.”

“I haven’t even left the parking lot yet – I’m still here.  I’ll take you.  You can take your health care card and go in on your own if it’s that important to you, but I’m not leaving.  I’m taking you myself, and will be there for you.”

She got back in the car, and we drove to Urgent Care once again.  Reluctantly, I gave her her card, and sent her in on her own.  I couldn’t believe, that after all this time, and all we’d been through, that I was being shoved to the side as a stresser, rather than a supporter.  I was hurt.  What were the Dr’s going to think?  What would she tell them?  What kind of parent lets a young teenager go in to emerg on their own?

A few hours passed by, and I just got more annoyed.  The odd text would come through. “They’re not worried.  Just taking precautions.”  “They’ve done a drug screen and are testing me for mono again because I don’t feel well”.  “They’re not concerned.”  “I’m sorry mom.”  I told her this was the last time this would ever happen.  She needed to understand that I’m her supporter, nothing else.  Then came the in.  It’s amazing how we’re no good as parents until our kids need food, shelter, or money.  “I’m hungry.  Can you get me food?”

Lol.  Hungry.  Of course you’re hungry.  You haven’t eaten all day, and now the stress is going down and you’re starving. “Yes, I can bring you food.  I’ll be right back.”  I ran to her favorite stop, and brought back some protein and veggies for her to have.  “You don’t have to come in, I’ll only be 10 more minutes.”

Ok, that’s it.  “Excuse me ma’am.  Can you tell me where my daughter is?  I went to get some food for her while she waits.” “Well of course.  Just give me a moment……..she’s in room 3.  Right that way.”  I’d had it.  I wasn’t going to be cut out for one more second.  It’s bad enough when the Dr’s ask you to leave, but when your own kids shuts you out?

I walked through the curtain and she was surprised to see me.  Not quite as surprised as I was.  She had an IV going in to her arm, with fluids for dehydration, Toradol for pain, and an antacid for her stomach.  “Here’s your food.  Excuse me, nurse?  Can you please tell me what all of this is for?  I’m surprised you don’t need consent from a parent for all of this.  At what age do you need consent?  I’m not upset – I just want to know.”  The nurse stood there looking at me, stunned.  “Uuuum, well, actually – I don’t really know.  She came in by herself, so we juuuust…..are you ok with this?”  “Well, I guess, but it doesn’t really matter at this point.  I just want an explanation of what’s happening please.”   She explained there were complaints of stomach and head pain.  They said she seemed a little dehydrated, and there was evidence of some acid reflux bothering her throat, so they were giving her something for that.  They didn’t want to bother her stomach, so IV was the way to go.  And, we were still waiting for the results of a drug screen and had taken pictures of her stomach.

Great.  Perfect.  IV pain killers – here we go again.  Drug screening?  Perfect.  Dehydrated. Lovely.  I looked at my daughter and sat down next to her.

“We are not going to be here for 10 more minutes.  This is going to take some time.”

“Really?  I’m sorry.  I hate this place.  I’m not a sick kid.  I’m not a sick kid.  I hate this place.”

“This place was made to help people who feel sick.  It doesn’t mean you are sick.  The past is the past – we don’t need to worry about that anymore.”

“YCUSP offered me to come stay the night.”

“Do you feel you need that?”

“Pffff!  No!  I’m not going there to stay the night.  I’m safe.  I’m not going to hurt myself.  I don’t do that anymore.  I just got scared.  I thought it was a gravol and then started feeling sicker and realized I didn’t even know the girl and I could have taken anything and I didn’t know what to do so I just wanted to come here and take care of anything and…”

“You need to realize I’m here for you.  I’m not perfect, but I will do what I can to stay calm and help you.  Let’s make a plan.  How about no taking anything from anyone.”

“Except you.”

“Except me.  With the amount of things going on, and your other medications, let’s just keep it simple.  Use your oils.  Use your head and call me if things are out of control. Don’t take drugs of any kind from anyone, and certainly don’t drink alcohol.  We don’t know how any of that would interact with everything else.  I know  you want your independence, but you’re only 14.  You have plenty of years to be on your own when you’ll have to make decisions by yourself.  You’re young enough that I still need to be involved.  It’s ok to be a kid.  You don’t ever have to do any of this alone.”

“Ok.  When can we go?”

The Dr. came in and gave the all clear.  2 more hours had passed, (10 minutes – yeah right!), and we finally go the the IV removed and went home.  7 hours in total.

“Can I go hang out with a friend?”

(Chuckle)”I don’t think so.  We’ve had enough excitement for today.  I think we’ll just lay low for the rest of the evening.”

“Yeah.  Ok.  Probably a good idea.  I’m going to clean my room.”

“Whatever makes you happy doll.  Whatever makes you happy.”

We were lucky.  She could have taken anything.  I’m pretty sure that’s why she threw up.  A momentary impulse could have been much, much worse.  You would think with all the advertising, the warnings, school education, pamphlets and extra classes – plus exposure to kids who really have taken something bad, that our kids would know better.  Talk to your kids, and make a plan.  Do they really know?  Pause before you proceed.

The hardest part of parenting isn’t just protecting our kids, it’s protecting our kids from themselves.

0

Insignificance

“I remember things going dark.

Eventually all I could hear was my heart beat.

Behind my eyes would turn spotted, then red……

And eventually things would go dark.

Sometimes I’d feel as if I started to slip away.

And then they would come running in and find me.”

“How was school today sweetie?  Did it go ok?  How was it seeing everyone again?”

“Ummmmm.  Not great.”

That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for.  We have waited a very long time for this day to come.  The first day of school.  The first day back.  The first day going forward.  She’s in a new school now.  We decided the old one wasn’t a place we wanted to go back to, with all the stressful memories.  Although we say that someday we’ll look back, and some of the stories will seem humorous, they are all very deep, and still very raw.  Much more raw than I thought.

I was hoping for a great story.  She was terribly excited.  We have private transportation right now, as the stress of being on a cheese wagon loaded with K-12 kids is overwhelming on any given day.  Our school division has been kind enough to provide secure door to door transportation so there are no worries.  She was dressed beautifully, with a flowery baby-doll top and leggings, softly colored candy floss hair, and her signature dark pink lipstick.  The driver told me she was shaking a little, and talking tremendously fast.  She hesitated a little, and then went in to face the day.  Everything was planned and charted out, with friends texting her directions to her first classes.

The thing is, one whole year has passed, with at least a half year before that one missed.  Time goes by whether you are present or not, and fitting back in isn’t so easy.  Add some disassociation to that and you have a feeling of being very alone.  It’s amazing how you can walk in to an environment of a lot of people, and feel more alone then when you’re actually by yourself.  It doesn’t seem possible, but it’s very true.  Social anxiety is just that – being alone in the midst of the craziness, and not knowing really how to change it.  I would describe it as an out of body experience, inside of your body.  Feeling like you are absolutely unimportant, and nothing.

“I cried today.”

“Why sweetie?  Why did you cry?  Were you alone?”

“No, I was with my teacher.  I just feel insignificant.  And uncomfortable.  And….overwhelmed.”

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry that this is so hard.  I’m sure it will get better.  You’ll get back in to it.”

“The thing is, I don’t want to get “back in to it”.  I don’t want to fit in and be a part of the way things used to be.  I don’t want things to be the way they used to be.  I’m not that person anymore.  I don’t want the same nick name.  I’m not anorexic anymore.  I don’t want to sit and be part of the drama, talk about who did what to who, and how much of a witch that other girl is.  I want to love people, and talk about wonderful things.  I want to sit with bare feet, eat raw corn and not be made fun of.  I want to stand in the mud and feel the earth in my toes and feel the rain on my face.  I want to talk about life and how amazing things are.  I’m not sick anymore.  As a matter of fact, I’m the least sick person I know.  I just want to show love to people.”

I sat and looked at her for a moment.  I know how she feels.  We have come so far and have changed so much. I don’t want her to be part of that world either.  She isn’t suicidal anymore – and those days may haunt her but they do not define who she is.  She has turned in to this amazingly confident, sensitive, feeling, empath – but suffers with anxiety, stress, OCD, PTSD, unspecified eating disorders and a few other unmentionable things that circle above her head, threatening to land on her shoulder and speak fear quietly into her ear.  She requires support still, in very significant ways, but she has fought very hard, and grown up perhaps a bit too quickly.

Her smile will light up a room.  She sings with unabandon in the shower, in her room, to the radio, and just about anywhere we go.  She plays in the sand, walks barefoot most of the time, plays in the rain and dances as she bounds up and down the stairs.  Her eyes twinkle while she tells corny jokes, and she has taken a strange pleasure in discovering great new lipstick colors.  Her clothes are usually soft and flowy, sprayed with colorful flowers and the odd piece of lace or ruffle.  At the end of the day she flops down on the couch talking about her many plans to travel the world her VW or PT Cruiser – she can’t decide.  She is definitely not the girl she used to be.

“I don’t know what to say doll.  I wish I could tell you it will be easy, just give it time and things will be better.  Instead, how about this.  Just give it some time – things will be different.  You’ll find your way, whatever that is.  Thank you for telling me you cried.  Thank you for having the courage to share with me how you’re really feeling, because one of my fears is thinking it’s all just ok when it’s really not.  You and I have come a very long way.  Let’s make it our goal just to love the people around us, and if they don’t accept that, well, we can always move on.  There’s always someone who needs some love.”

2

Reflections

It was almost a year ago, that I went shopping with my daughter for school clothes.  I will never forget that day.  I had my arms full of pants, jeans, tops and all sorts of fun things, but no matter what we picked, we just couldn’t find a size that fit.  Size 5?  Nope – too big.  Perhaps a 3 would work.  Still too big.  Then I went for the 2, then the 1, then really – a zero?  Yes – we were there – at a 0 and even 00, and when I looked at how the clothes were hanging I was shocked.  In my head I gasped, and realized we had a problem.

Where are things now?  Time for a update.

Today, we went shopping for school clothes.  It’s about a 30 minute drive to the mall we wanted to shop at.  My daughter chatted along the way about how she found her journal from a year ago, and was shocked at how much she’s changed.  She said she found her entries to be dark, grey and very depressing.  She talked about how now things seem bright, and that life is great – for the most part anyways.  We spoke about how far she’s really come, and headed straight for the mall.

We walked around, looking at different things – lipstick, lingerie, tshirts and were in search of the perfect pants.  We ended up going in to the very same store we shopped at last year.  It was a little dejavu, and I must say I had to breathe pretty deeply and focus on now – not then.  We founds lots of wonderful things to try on, and off to the dressing room she went.  This time, not a size 0.  We discussed how hard it was to find clothes, and although she’s probably only a size 1 now  (maybe a 2 if we went for loose), but at least we’re not at 00.  We were able to talk about self image, potential triggers, and what makes her feel beautiful now.  It was refreshing to see her laugh, twirl and primp herself in front of the mirror.  There was one point where I made the mental note that 0 is very close, and I would have to be watching very closely, but her mood was wonderful.  The marks from all the self harm were there, but really – neither of us could really see them anymore.

All the shopping was making me ready for lunch, but she just wanted to keep on.  Next – a stop for the perfect new lipstick.  There is nothing like a new lipstick.  The feel of the cardboard box, the smooth beautiful tube and perfect shape of the color inside.  You twist it up and look for a moment, and then try it – and hopefully it’s magic.  It was hard to decide, but we managed to settle on 2 new colors for her, and 1 for myself.  Lunch?  Not yet.

We hit a few more stores, tried things on – primped and preened, and got her fitted properly for a few new items.  Lunch?  Well, that’s when the conversation began.

“Mom, I’m really struggling.  I know I have to eat, but I just can’t handle the food in my  mouth.”

“Ok, is there anything that appeals to you at all?  Soup?  Smoothie?  Sushi?  Fries? Salad?  Anything?”

“No, not really.  I know I have to eat.  And I will.  At least I’ll try, but I feel noxious when I swallow.”

We settled on a small vegetarian tray of sushi.  The first few pieces were ok, as long as we kept talking and were distracted.  Then I could see her trying not to taste it, as if it hit her tongue she would be sick.  She managed to swallow, but by the time she hit the last piece she was holding her nose and gagging.

“You don’t have to eat it all.  You made a great effort and got enough down.”

“I’m sorry mom.  I’m really trying”

“I know you are.  Maybe smaller amounts as we go?”

“My stomach hurts because I know I’m hungry.  I hate the pain – I know that’s what it’s from.  I just can’t handle the texture of anything.  It all feels thick.”

The good news?  She’s being honest with me.  She’s letting me know upfront that she’s struggling, and even better – letting me try to help.  The bad news?  She’s struggling and choking back a protein bar with her nose plugged in an effort not to loose weight.  She’s in a safe zone now, but danger is a mere 5+ pounds away.  Her program knows, she knows, and I know that it’s a struggle she may have the rest of her life, but we just have to be patient and honest. I’m being told to try and find one food she can enjoy, but even a liquid other than water turns her off.

More good news.  The rigid, straight back, perfect speech, and demure behaviors are all gone.  Now, I have a fun loving, slightly slouched, mostly barefoot dancing girl, that finds joy in brightly colored hair, tie dyed clothing, flowy pants, and singing at the top of her lungs.  She walks barefoot in the mud (I tell her not to), and dances in the rain.  Her favorite slogan is, “An adventure a day keeps the Dr. away!”.

There is still tough stuff, and we still have some big battles coming that legally I can’t talk about.  She has trouble with parts of her family that usually end up in self harm, so visits are kept to a bare minimum.  She is going to have to face a class room with kids, and a teacher, and schoolwork, and even home work – all things she hasn’t had for almost 2 years.  What will happen when boys start paying attention to her, or girls start making comments about how tiny she is, or tall or colorful, or loud or any of the other things kids say?  Her friends either aren’t in her class, or even in her grade. She won’t be able to lay on the floor in class and make toast whenever she wants anymore, and somewhere, I’m going to have to get her a computer and trust her with it.  Our school division requires each student have a laptop – something I’m not excited about.

We have fought very hard this year.  There have been good days, and not quite as good, but at the end of each and everyone of them, I’m glad and very thankful, that I’ve been given the opportunity to fight.

The toughest part now?  Dealing with the demons…………….

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Not This Time

It could have happened, many times.  There were plans and notes.  We went through 5 different attempts, and not one succeeded.  There were escalations – but nothing ended in tragedy.  I have watched all 3 of my children suffer with depression, go through bullying, battle with poor self image, and yet somehow we have come through on the other side.

Today, a family in our community didn’t come through the other side.  For some reason, what ever was going on, was just too much, and an intercession didn’t happen soon enough to help.  Why us?  How did I get so fortunate?  I don’t think there’s an answer.

When we were in the days at the hospital, I remember talking to the Dr.’s and nurses, and asking if anyone ever succeeded at an attempt while there.  I was told that twice kids had succeeded.  Last week, there was one more success.  It breaks my heart to think of what that family must be going through.  I hugged my daughter a little tighter all week.

Over the last year, I have seen countless numbers of kids struggling with gender and sexual identity.  I’ve learned words I didn’t even know existed.  Bi Gender, Pan Gender, Trans Gender, Trans Sexual, Pan Sexual, Omni Sexual, Bi Sexual, A Sexual- I don’t even remember talking about that kind of stuff when I was a teen.  I know there were and are many reasons that this topic isn’t talked about, but why the pressure to be defined in one category at such a young age?  I’ve seen countless girls victims of sexual assault or mental and physical abuse, that are now afraid of men, so they feel they must be different.  The word “lesbian” isn’t used because of the stigma, but because of the fear, they struggle with thinking they must be different, and it’s not much different for boys.

I’ve met a young girl, so beautiful, that is almost 17, but has already had a heart attack at age 15 from being so thin, and tonight is fighting to get past a drug over dose.  Her step dad can’t understand her struggles, so her mom kicked her out and sent her to her grandmas.  She’s sad, confused and obviously hurting enough to repeatedly try and take her own life – and there’s so many more like her.  I watched a young girl cry out of control at having to eat one pea on her plate.  One….small……pea.  The terror in her face was unreal, and the pain was so evident, and yet I couldn’t understand where those feelings came from.

We met a boy, gang raped by the foster kids in his house for being gay.  What’s the big deal?  He’s gay, so why shouldn’t he take it?  His parents kicked him out when he was just 12, because they couldn’t take the fact that he didn’t feel like the boy they wanted him to be.  Pushed from home to home, the feelings of self hate had him cutting so deep that he ended up bandaged with stiches all over.  Button pusher?  Yes.  But the cries for attention were just so obvious, and when he asked me to take him home I almost cried.

Speechless yet?  Feeling shocked?  This is the world we live in.  Kids don’t get the film we did in grade 5 about what happens when  you get fuzz in your special spots, and that having a shower is important.  Sex ed for 14 year olds talks about 50 shades of grey, and topics like fisting.  Yup – that’s right – fisting.  Or even more shocking – double fisting.  Don’t know what that is?  Find out – I bet you’ll be horrified.  Maybe not all teachers are talking about it, but I guarantee you our kids are.

There is a bombardment on our kids of negative, provocative, depressing information.  A constant onslaught is hitting them from every direction.  When I was that age, the bullying stopped when I got off the bus after school, and didn’t start again till the next day when I got back on the bus.  I went home, did chores, homework, helped with dinner, went to lessons, complained about practicing, went to church clubs – I was busy.  If someone wanted to bully me, they had to call on the phone, which meant my dad would probably answer, and then the house would probably hear.  It just didn’t happen.  Yes, I was afraid to go back to school sometimes, but one of the worst bullies was a teacher so being around other kids wasn’t even always the problem.

The onslaught of constant information is 24/7.  How do we make it stop?  How do we take the pressure off, and change the environment so our kids have a fighting chance?  How do we inspire our kids to feel that life is worth it?  This is a serious question, and is going to take some serious thought.  There have been anti bullying campaigns for ages and I’m not sure they really even work.  If they did, would these things really happen?  Would kids be taking their lives?  Would there be waiting lists for programs with a lot of kids not having any hope of getting help?

When will this insanity stop?  We can’t just continue on and not say or do anything.  Not this time.

My family is reeling today.  3 tragic deaths in 3 weeks.  The ripples of these tragedies go far.  We need to do something different.  Something has to change.

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Check-In’s

Part of any program, is a mandatory family meeting held usually every second week, with the counselor, or in this case, counselors involved with your child.  Family can mean anything really, but on this journey, it’s just me and my daughter. Basically we go to a meeting, in a sound proof room.  We strategically set up enough of the many chairs in the room that everyone has a seat in close proximity, but so that no one really has to look at anyone in the eye, except the main counselor or leader.  You know that saying, “Never look a gorilla straight in the eye”?  Well, there’s a reason for that.  We’re given a topic ahead of time, so each person has time to think, and to try and avoid any big surprises – but there’s always a surprise.  Typically I sit, look calm, try to stay comfortable and not look awkward, and keep my expressions neutral so not to reveal what I’m really thinking as I listen to the answers.

“So let’s start by asking the regular questions, are you ready?”

“Yup”.

“So.  How’s your mood?”

“Same.”

“yup, seems pretty good to me.  I’d agree”.

“And sleep.  How’s that going for you.  Are you sleeping ok?”

“Yup.  Pretty much.”

“If she get’s to bed.  Getting to bed is impossible”

“Ok.  Thoughts about suicide?”

“About the same.”

“So…..3 or 4?”

“Nah, probably 4 or 5?”

“Wait, that’s not the same.  Last time it was 3 or 4, not 4 or 5.  Really?”

“Ok, how about your eating?  Are you eating?”

“I’m trying.  If I can get the food to my mouth, and actually in my mouth, I realize I’m kind of hungry, but I can’t handle the thought of food otherwise.  Sometimes I actually feel sick, and then I force myself to eat something.  I eat fruit. And I hold my breath while I eat other stuff.”

“Why do you hold your breath?”

“So I don’t have to think about it being in my mouth.  I don’t want to taste it – it grosses me out.”

” I knew it!  I knew it!  One day after our spot at the eating disorder program expires. I knew it.  I thought I noticed changes again……………i feel fat.”

“How about self harm?  I know your mom knows you self-harmed last night.”

“Yup”

“And when did that happen?”

“During the night”

“And what did you use?”

“An old razor”

“Really?  Where is she getting this stuff?  That’s it – I’m searching the room.  Next time she’s out.  I’m going through every inch.  She’s probably booby trapped everything…”

“Where did you get the razor?  Did you wake up, see it and use it, or did you wake up and decide to self harm, so look for something to use?”

“I woke up and decided. I knew I had it in a junk drawer.”

                           “She doesn’t have a junk drawer.  She re-cleans her room every week.”

“Can you tell your mom where you cut?”

“Always the same.  Always on the legs.”

“NO!  Why does she have to know?”

“She’s covering her chest.  She carved her chest.  She’s covering it while she answers the question.  Dear God, this time it was her chest.”

“Ok. You don’t have to say.  We just thought…..”

“No.”

“It’s hot in here.  I need to take my shoes off.  I wonder if they’d notice.  I’m taking my shoes off.  Be discreet.  They’ll never know.  I need water.”

No matter how many check in’s we have, for some reason, I always expect the answers to be the same as the ones in my head, and I’m always surprised on at least one of the answers when it’s not.  I have gut instincts, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m so tired I don’t even know what is paranoia, and what I really need to step back and listen to.  I’m constantly at war with myself and it’s exhausting.

For now?  Trust the programming, keep communication channels open, stay close to the gorilla and watch carefully, and earn trust just a little at a time.  At some point……well, we will get past this.

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Set To Fail

As things get better, it gets easier and easier to let my guard down.  I have a knife in the kitchen that actually cuts things.  There’s razors in the shower.  A pair of scissors is in the drawer in the kitchen now – with free access to all.  I have a bottle of Motrin that I don’t carry in my purse anymore, and the medication hasn’t been under lock and key.

Last week, after a difficult therapy session, my daughter asked to hang out with a friend.  She texted me repeatedly, called a few times, and basically begged to meet up with someone (other than myself) that she could talk to.  I agreed, based on the fact that it be someone I approve of.  She said she tried everyone, but could only reach the one person I rather her not hang out with.  Reluctantly, I agreed to her spending 2 hours at a public location close by, and then I would pick her up.  They were to go no where else, just stay at the place we agreed, and then I would pick them up.

Long story short, things didn’t go as planned, and I found out.  We got in the car to head home, and it was very uncomfortable.  My daughter was upset and curled up, mostly I think, because I was not happy.  The crazy thing was that I wasn’t terribly upset with her – I was upset at myself.

I knew she was having a hard time.  I knew the person she chose to spend time with definitely wasn’t my first choice, and yet I said yes.  I could have said no, headed home, and tried to use all the skills I’ve learned to talk through things………but I didn’t.  I basically set her up for failure.

“I’m sorry ok, what do you expect?  I’m sorry!”

“I’m not mad at you sweetie.”

“I said I’m sorry.  I had a hard day.  I didn’t mean to do anything wrong.  I lied.  Ok?  Happy?  I lied – I’m sorry”

“I’m not mad at you.  I’m not even mad that you lied.  I put you in a situation that was impossible for you to succeed in, and I can’t be mad at you for that.  I know you don’t mean to lie, and I know you don’t mean to do the wrong thing.  I don’t think you intend to break my trust, but I have learned that when put in certain situations, you are not strong enough and will make the wrong choice.  I’m sorry for allowing that to happen.”

The car was silent for awhile.  I couldn’t be mad at her, and I think she was a little confused with me.  As soon as we got home, she went in her room and called “The Cottage” help line at YCUSP.  She was on the phone for hours.  When she came upstairs, her face was all swollen from crying, and I think she pretty much cried the rest of the evening until she went to bed.

A day later, when I was taking laundry to her room, I found 2 blades on her bed.  Quickly I went through the house, checking for anything that could have been disassembled, but found nothing.  I looked for the usual tell tale signs like gauze, hydrogen peroxide, polysporin, but didn’t find anything.  I called YCUSP and told them what happened.

“I haven’t decided if I’m going to say anything or not.  I don’t know if I should confront her.  She usually tells me if she self harms and didn’t say anything at all.”

“Well, we will need to know what you decide, so we know how to deal with the information on our end.”

“Ok, I will let you know.”

Tomorrow we have a counselling session at YCUSP.  I finally decided to bring the topic up with her.  Yes, they were her blades (obviously), but they were old.  Yes, she had woken up during the night and self harmed.  No, she didn’t tell me because she was rushed in the morning, and then the next day felt weird because more time had passed.  Yes, she did tell the nurse at YCUSP and they know.

Now my mind gets going.  “They know?  Why didn’t they call me?  Why didn’t they say anything?  Aren’t they supposed to call the parent and confirm when self harm happens? Here we go again.”

The meds have all been put away.  We’ve agreed together it’s the wise choice.  The one knife can stay in the kitchen.  Time with friends will be more monitored and limited, and if I have a funny feeling – I’ll be paying attention to it and doing the hard thing by saying no and sticking to my guns.

Learning can sometimes be painful………and not just for the kids

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Running On Fumes

It’s been awhile since I blogged.  I guess I’m not feeling very inspired lately.  I started this blog to try and help someone – anyone – that might be going through the same journey.  I wanted a form of self therapy – somewhere I could express myself openly and feel a sense of relief.  Lately, I just feel really ticked off at a lot of things.  Maybe it’s just part of the process, maybe it’s a loss of faith in people, and perhaps it’s just exhaustion catching up with me.

So where are we now?  Things are going better – pretty well actually.  I mean it.  We’re down to 2 days a week at a program.  I have to drive as our transportation has been cut off for the summer, and her dad won’t help. That ticks me off, but what can I do. Same old story – so I take care of it myself.  Thank goodness my job is understanding.

Home isn’t too bad.  I’ve been able to take a knife back in to the kitchen so I don’t have to use a butter knife to cut veggies and such anymore.  That’s a real treat we take for granted.  I have a bottle of motrin in the house – call me crazy.  It’s not even locked up in a safe – just in my room.  Strings aren’t being removed from pants anymore, and groceries are disappearing which means she’s eating.  These are all good things.

I’ve made a few mistakes – accurate communication hasn’t been our strong suit.  It can be difficult to separate the normal teenage garbage from mental health drama, and in an effort to be reasonable, I’ve been a little stupid.  Good news is no serious harm done –  at least so far so good.

I find myself getting mad at stupid stuff.  A guy in the mall told me he could tell my skin care doesn’t have collagen in it and I almost popped him in the nose.  I did tell him he was a horrible human and very rude, and abruptly left.  My own fault for taking the free soap sample.  A lady asked me if I wanted to try some shorts on, and I told her I was painfully aware of the shape of my ass so no need.  Not something I’d normally say.  I did try and recover and told her I am a firm user of retail therapy and probably should invest in a shrink instead, but they aren’t open Sunday afternoons, and that’s my only time off lately, so I’ll just pay for the shorts.I’ll probably go return it all tomorrow anyways, as the guilt of retail therapy sets in and I convince myself I don’t deserve it.  Stupid endless cycle.

My house is a disaster.  My yard looks like, well, I can’t see my yard – the weeds and grass are too high.  Better for remodeling I guess.  A chance for a new canvas.  I kinda’ don’t even care right now.  Not the right train to worry about today.

I have some vacation coming up, and I’ll probably use that to try and look at life and perhaps get my own on track.  Have a garage sale.  Clean up.  Fix stuff.  Sell stuff.  Fix more stuff.  That kind of stuff.

I’ve had a headache for 6 days.  Not sure if it’s the weather, or stress, or both.  Probably stress I’m guessing.  Work is tough.  Money is tricky and always somewhat short.  We have another family member suffering from mental health struggles.  My fiance is stressed beyond belief. Seems like everyone around me is struggling.  I can feel their pain, and there’s not much I can do about it.

So why do I blog?  Doesn’t seem like there’s much to say, and I don’t know how this can help any more.  I’ve been told my blogs are wordy.  They’re too long.  They could be blocking God’s blessings on my family.  They’re too cryptic.  They’re too often.  They’re not often enough.  They’re depressing.  I should be doing them for money.  I should be doing them on different sites.  I should be sending them to higher people (whatever that means).

Again, why do I bother?  Maybe, just maybe, this track that I’m on could be shared with someone on a similar journey.  Maybe it will mean something to someone.  Maybe it will mean something to me.  Even if it just happens rarely, maybe, just maybe, one of us will be helped.

Things are getting better……really – they are.

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Tough News

I had the pleasure of having coffee with a friend I went to high school with today.  It was great catching up and just chatting about life, the past, the present – great medicine.  We had some time to discuss what the last year has held, and I told her, the scariest thing right now is letting my guard down.

It’s easy for things to be good, when you get to do everything you want, and not have obvious stressors or pressures.  It’s when life gets a little tough, that you see what is really happening for someone.

Tonight, life got a little tough.  The day seemed to be going great.  My daughter has been meeting up with old friends after her program, and catching up on things.  She gets dropped at my work, meets a friend, and they wander around town, maybe grab a slice of pizza together, and reconnect.  That happened today, and went well.

Along came a bump in the road, when we got some hard information that triggered a lot of emotion.  To make matters more difficult, her dad got laid off, and phoned her to discuss the existential connection to his career choices.  I knew it would be hard, but it was our discussion, or lack thereof that caught me off guard once again.

“Mom, did they call you about my meds today?”

“Nope – they called but said nothing about meds.”

“Really?  They said we would talk about increasing things at night so I sleep better.”

“You need to sleep better?  I thought you were sleeping fine?”

“Nope.  Things have been really hard lately.”

“Really?  You told me yesterday how good you’re feeling.”

“Can I have my meds tonight?”

Of course she could have her meds – we never go without them.  Things have been hard?  Once again, I’m caught by surprise.  No cutting for about 6 weeks.  No restricting, at least nothing major, for quite some time.  Weight is perfect, and so is BMI.  Drug tests clear.  Routine blood tests happening, but the argument has been, “Why should I be in a program when I feel great?”

More phone calls were made.  “I’m calling the cottage”.  “OK, anything I can do?”.  Again, I’m left on the side lines, watching while she struggles.  It’s hard hearing your child cry and having them pull away.  All I want is to wrap my arms around her and tell her it’s going to be ok.  I’m not leaving.  Things will be fine.  We’ll get through it.

Tomorrow is another day.  “Mom, I need to talk to someone tomorrow.  I need to see someone tomorrow.” “Yes, I understand.  We’ll make it happen”.  I gave her a hug and a kiss goodnight, and told her it will be alright.  This is all part of her journey – and it’s been a tough one.

As parents, we need to remember not to take this stuff personally.  Sometimes being a silent but steady bystander is what they need.  There are plenty of resources out there to help – and they’ll use what they need, but it isn’t just anyone that can be there through thick and thin – no matter what.

Take care of yourself.  Talk to a friend, go for a coffee, write a blog, maybe even get some counseling yourself.  Do what you can to keep yourself strong, so you can be the steady rock your child needs in the hard times

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