“Why are you crying?”

“It’s never been you – always me, and I don’t know what to do….”

Mt daughter and I had gone out for what was going to be a nice day. First an appointment, then a little lunch and maybe a little shopping. The sun was shining and it was going to be a beautiful day. 

While my daughter was at her appointment, I received a call from HR at my company. The conversation ensued, and by the end of it I was quite upset. 

What do you do when the resources put in place to protect you fail, and leave you feeling raw and vulnerable?  It’s a terrible feeling, as a single mom with kid issues, to feel there is no where to turn and no where to go.

I was crying quite hard when my daughter got back to the car, so I swallowed hard, dismissed it to allergies or something else unbelievable, and suggested we go for sushi. We don’t do things like this very often – budget just doesn’t allow, so this was pretty special. I wasn’t terribly hungry, so I just had something really small, and she gobbled down a good size meal. 

Within about a half hour, I started getting stomach pain. It felt like gas at first. Things felt like they were shuffling around in my stomach like a set of magic cups. I was standing in a store, and quickly dismissed myself, telling my daughter we needed to get home. 

It didn’t take long. Within about 30 minutes I was in a cold sweat, trying to hold myself together for the drive home. (In retrospect an ambulance would have been smart).  I don’t really remember the trip, but I do know that at one point I agreed to go to urgent care.  

I couldn’t get out of the car. I fell as I tried to walk, and before I knew it, I was in a wheel chair, and then a hospital bed. “Am I having a heart attack?  I can’t breathe. I’m going to explode. I don’t understand what’s going on.”

What I didn’t know, is that in the other room, my daughter was beside herself.  I don’t know how much time went by, but my fiance was there, my daughter, and one of my boys. Things were out of control. I was throwing up, and I remember saying, “I just shit myself. I’m so sorry- I make your coffee, and I just shit myself.” Things were exploding, literally, and for a small moment, as they put a diaper on me and a tube down my nose in to my bowel,  I looked around the room and for the first time in my life, the thought went through my mind. “This could be it….is this how it ends?”.

It’s been a month. After a 5 day hospital stay, there was no definitive answer other than a gastric vulvulus.  56% mortality rate. More tests to follow. 

I feel weird since then.  I’m tired – very, very tired. I’m overwhelmed. My kids look at me differently now, and I feel kind of sad.  I don’t really know why, I just do. 

There’s a song, pretty much says how I feel lately, so I’ll end this blog with it. 

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile